Light at the end of the tunnel

I wrote this a while ago, when I was trying to work out some of what I was feeling, As I my post yesterday was about Chris and I thought I would share this today hopefully it will help someone

July 20th 2008 3:00 pm

It was a perfect day , we were at the beach, it was foggy so there were not a lot of people, the boys were playing and laughing, I can still hear the sound of their laughter as they swam. I remember thinking, I have the perfect life, A man whom I loved, who loved me, two wonderful children, a job I loved... At 3:00 I called the boys out of the water, and while David and I laughed at the way they were carrying on, I snapped a picture of them running across the beach. My life couldn't be more perfect, Brent and Chris were having such fun. Like oil and water the boys were so different, Brent took the rocky hard road in almost everything he did, and Christopher, he was laid back and easy going and took joy in everything. Together, they were amazing.

August 20 2008 3:00 pm

It was bright and sunny but I remember thinking how is it possible the sun is still shinning? As I walked out of the funeral home following the funeral attendants as they carried Christopher's urn to the hearse. I had just sat through my youngest son's memorial service,  30 days can change everything, Perfect became absolute destruction- my world was now ashes. And from that point it kept spiraling down and down into darkness.

 As a family we had experienced very little tragedy, We of course had people whom we loved pass away and there had been a few heart breaking moments over the years but on a whole, up until we lost Chris, we were extremely lucky. The losses we had suffered, our family for the most part, expected them as the person was ill or elderly and they had lived a full life. An expected loss is still hard and difficult, and will in some cases shake you to the core of your foundation, An unexpected loss , well it can split your foundation... It smashed ours to smithereens.

You know you love your children and your family, what you don't realize is how each member holds you all together, Chris in many ways was our glue. He made us laugh, he was always so excited about everything, without him, things got dark very very fast.

Brent withdrew, he blamed himself and I could not make him understand he was not at fault. How do you reach someone when you are also so angry at yourself for the same reasons? We were all walking around pissed off that we couldn't change what had happened. So we each dealt with it differently, As I said Brent withdrew, He always a child to be confrontational, He now became down right unmanageable, David would not discuss Chris, always a man who loved a drink, he began to drink more and more, until every moment he was not working he spent completely drunk.

And me , well I would love to say I held it together and brought my family back to one piece , but that would be a lie. I am ashamed to admit, I was praying for death. To say I was not handling it well was a gross understatement. And it was getting worse every single day.

We should have been helping each other, but we didn't know how. Therapy was NOT helpful , first off for it to be helpful you need all family members to go, David refused, he would not say Chris' name nor did he want anyone else to say Chris' name , he wanted to forget. I could not , As for Brent he didn't want to talk to me and he and David could not be in the same room together. My therapist was horrible, he seemed to think that having me tell him over and over about the day Chris died was helpful, it was more like having someone punch you in the face right after they poured battery acid on you. so I stopped going.

In April, David and I decided we were no longer able to stay together, we had endless fights about Christopher's things and his pictures. Again he wanted them gone and I refused. David is not a bad person , he just did not know any other way to deal with his pain , Chris' things and pictures of him, hurt him on a level he couldn't deal with so he drank to numb the pain. When that didn't work, He thought if only he couldn't see reminders it would hurt him less. I refused to entertain that, the thought of losing my pictures and Chris's toys and clothes, was  unbearable to me. So we broke up and he moved out.

 Unfortunately Brent and I then turned on one another. The arguments were really really stupid. But they were never ending. By May Brent had moved to his father's.
 Now I was alone.
 I didn't want to talk to anyone. In fact I hated everyone. I felt abandoned, and angry. When you are hurting like that it is really hard to recognize other people are in pain too.

Having at this point discovered that you cannot will yourself to die, I began to think seriously about killing myself. But there is a catch 22 here, the reason I wanted to die was because I missed Chris and I wanted to be where he was, I believe he is in heaven, and I also believe you cannot kill yourself and go to heaven. So now what??? I have heard people say over the years that if someone kills themselves, it makes them a coward, let me be the first to tell you that it 200% bull. You need real bravery to harm yourself in that way , and the truth is I am the largest of wimps. So here  I am.

The best way I can describe depression like this, is as follows, everyone spends 99.9% of their life in a fairly bright place, but everyone must enter the darkness at some point, the darkness can be brought on by anything, a divorce, an addiction, loss of finances, the loss of a loved one, whatever the reason, being in the dark is not a good place, horrible things live there, and everyone is alone in the dark. Luckily most people don't stay in dark places very long, medication or support or self-will can get you out, In the span of a lifetime most people spend only a few blinks of an eye in that dark place ,though it will feel longer, It is when you spend longer than a blink in the dark that you get into trouble. Your own fears become demons and whatever hurts you in the light can kill you in the dark. I was in the dark for a long time. For me medication wasn't very helpful, I tried several kinds, but they all had the same effect, They made me sleep. They made me sleep all the time, I wasn't depressed anymore but I wasn't awake either, Its hard to work and function if you are sleeping, So I had to stop taking them.

 Then one day out of the blue, I got a message on face book it went as follows, Hi my name is Max Hearn, please call me at 902-***-****,I have joyful news for you , and ps. my birth-date is April 7 1990.

April 7 1990 was the birth-date of my oldest child, whom I had named Stephen and had placed for adoption at birth as I felt he deserved more than I could give him. I was only 17 when I he was born and I knew I could not offer him a secure home or life. Interesting how when things were darkest, God choose that moment to have Max do a search for my last name and as luck would have it, my face book profile popped up , he was still not sure it was me until, his Mom, Neva looked at my profile picture, It was of Chris, and she recognized that he looked like Max did at the same age.

At this point Brent and I were able to talk to each other again and spending time together. I didn't hate the world as much though I admit I was still very very very angry. but I wasn't in complete darkness anymore, it was getting lighter.

Then one day my doorbell rang. I was of course asleep .. I stumbled to the door, and on my step was my friends Kirk and John Parsons... they had come to bring me a swing..It seems my friend Denise (Kirk's girlfriend) no longer had a place for her chair swing and I had expressed sometime in the past, I would like to have one..so they were bringing me one.

As they set up this swing for me, Kirk mentioned that he had a whipper sniper he wasn't going to use anymore - he mentioned it because my grass was to his knees, because - well lets just say lawn care is not my thing....Would I like the whipper sniper??? sure why not?? so I shower and go pick up the whipper sniper, well wouldn't you know it?... John is still with Kirk and well as these things go, one of my tail lights decides at that moment that it had lost the will to live and it stopped working. John nobly offers to fix it, which then led to a coffee date...

  Ironic really as I detest coffee... I think it is the foulest liquid on the planet. But I went anyway and had an ice cap instead... and as we are sitting there talking I remembered just how much fun I had with this man in years past, Over the next few weeks John and I had several more coffee dates, And then we decided to date exclusively.

Sometimes when things are not so good, God sends you the people who can make it better... John wanted to hear about Chris and made a point to help me protect my memories, he made an effort with Brent and encouraged Brent to come home when he was ready. Which Brent did very shortly afterwards. Somehow I didn't want to die anymore, I was still in a hell of a lot of pain and I don't think that will ever change, but I am not in the dark anymore. With John's help, I can cry if I want to and I do almost every day, Brent has found he can talk about his brother and although it is still very hard for him we often find ourselves sitting at the kitchen table laughing and telling John about something that the boys did together or something we remember...John also talked us into moving out of the home we had shared with Christopher, something I wouldn't entertain before, But it did help, I hadn't realized how much being in the house where Chris had died was hurting me.

So there is light at the end of the tunnel, Now I can be thankful I had 10 wonderful years with my son. Some parents don't get that much. I still want and wish for many more years, but at least I had 10. Brent and I are still getting to know Max, And it turns out he is a wonderful young man who I am very proud of. I don't know what the future will bring, But at least I know I should be able to get through it.

July 21 2012 3:00 pm

" Ok Mom they are ready for you" Max said as he took my arm and prepared to walk me down the aisle. Today was my wedding day. Today I was to become Mrs. John Parsons. My face hurt from smiling. Everyone I loved was there to witness the event. Max was walking me most of the way down the aisle, Brent would take me the rest of the way . Right at the head of the church, our minister had placed a table it held Christopher's picture, our rings the unity candles and a teddy bear that had some of Chris' ashes inside. As the music began and we made our entrance, I could see John standing there with his brother and his best friends, and I thought, " This is it, I made it I am in the light."

Brent and Chris running out of the water July 20 2008

Christopher Aug 11 2008 6 days before his death

 The table at the front of the church

Our perfect wedding day July 21 2012

Brent and Max dancing together at our wedding having fun and being silly :)