Time to wake up

 Sorry I have not posted in a while, I have had a lot going on and truthfully I think I have had a little writers block as well.

One thing I learned this summer is that I must learn how to relax and not hold stuff in. The worst part was I thought I was relaxing. Summer time brings a lot of mixed feelings for me.  One part joy and one part sadness, as it always ends with an anniversary I would rather forget.

I thought I was dealing pretty well. I was wrong, I am finding out that I am wrong a lot lately. It is very disconcerting. I usually spend summer on my deck enjoying the sunshine and reading a book, watching the waves of the ocean as I have an awesome view. I spend time with friends and time on my friend Neva's houseboat.  Towards the end of summer comes the anniversary of my son's death. That day I kind of go into myself and just try to deal. But for the most part I do enjoy summer.

 This summer was different and I hadn't even noticed. However, when things are off and you ignore them sooner or later the universe will make you listen, take notice and force you to make a change. It will send you little signals at first. Then it will up the stakes. If you still haven't paid attention it will send you a big message, and not one you are going to enjoy.

 I guess my first signal started with how I felt, I haven't felt great for a while now, just little aches and pains here and there. Then I started getting headaches, annoying but manageable. The headaches started turning into migraines and still I did not question why?

 Had I taken a second to think about it I would have seen my stress level was through the roof.  On the rare occasions that I actually did the things that made summer so nice for me, I felt better. But I wasn't sitting on my deck or walking the beach or any of the other things that I love to do, the things I need to do to relax. I was too busy worrying about money and paying bills, and I don't mean just a little worry, I mean tossing and turning all night , thinking about it constantly worry.

 The headaches are caused by gritting my teeth, I tend to bite down when things are tough, the more stress I have, the more I bite down . I don't even know I am doing it. Until my head feels like it  is about to explode from the pressure. It is s symptom that I wasn't paying attention too at all.

I was about to get the biggest wake up call possible. In the back of an ambulance.

Fast forward to Wednesday night. I had a very stressful day at work, due to some issues on my internet providers side I could not stay in my vpn , and was getting kicked out of the system. The problem actually started a few days before, and we just could not find the problem. Working from home is different that working in an office. In an office if something is wrong the tech fixes it, but from home , your boss has no idea if there really is a malfunction or if you are just trying to get out of working. After hours of remote sessions on team viewer with the tech scrolling through all of my systems and then more hours with the tech getting fed up and calling my internet provider and hearing there were no issues , I was beginning to feel like they were thinking I was just trying to get out of working. This makes me panic a bit, because I am the main breadwinner. Losing my job right now would be disastrous. My husband recently lost his high paying job, my job is the only big source of income right now, and trust me its not really a very big source.

 After my shift I was having trouble letting the frustration of the day go, we ate supper and I sat down to read some emails, I had received an unpleasant one about a bill that is past due (story of my life lately) I pulled out my purse and took out the money I had saved for this very bill ,  How I have teeth left is beyond me I was biting down so hard. I was doing some calculating , and I knew we were going to come up short.

At this point I believe I had words with my husband but I honestly don't remember, Because now I couldn't breathe, and my chest hurt and my arm and oh my god my head!

My husband said I was grey, He tried to rub my back and he could feel my heart pounding through my back. I took my inhaler and tried to calm down but I was shaky and felt like I was going to throw up. I sent a text to my friend Lori , could she bring a blood pressure cuff from the fire hall and just come and check my pressure?  Its a good thing there were no cops in Riverport that night, I am pretty sure she broke the speed barrier getting to my house.

 I don't remember the exact number but my pressure was 165 over some other high number. Not good. My son called 911 and  my fire dept (of which I am a member) was sent out to my home,(now I am embarrassed and still trying not to pass out) along with the EMT and the ambulance. I was fine I said , I was sure it was just a panic attack, No I did not want to go to the hospital. The EMT and Lori and my husband conferred. Nope I was not going to to win this one, They believed I was having a heart attack. My husband made the final call, hospital it is. So I get carried out of my home on a gurney. At this point I should have been telling myself to wake up, and start listening, but nooo, I wasn't done being stubborn.

To make a long story short after several hours on an ECG machine I was informed that they needed more tests. These tests would not take place until morning and I was going to miss work. And then my stupidity kicked in. Miss work? after yesterdays fiasco???? Never going to happen. I was really really scared of losing my job. And I was not thinking clearly. I insisted that I was fine and I was going home. I signed my self out against medical advise.
STUPID
Yes I am proclaiming to the whole internet world I am a stupid woman.

Did I have a heart attack? I don't know. Possibly. I can tell you this, my husband and friends are livid with me and they are right.
But I am listening now to my body. I am starting this very day to take measures to calm down. There are things beyond my control. And if this happens again and I am lucky enough to survive it. I will stay in the hospital until they tell me I can go. I have never worried about my health before, I never even thought about it. I must start looking after myself. If I don't I am going to die.

I am already finding out that unwinding the spring that is me is not going to be so easy. I can no longer hold in a years worth of pissed off, I have to let it go. It will be a learning process. Being stubborn has got me through a lot, but it is no longer serving me. It is time to admit I cannot handle everything on my own.  For now I think I will start with some of the things I used to enjoy, like simple things like sitting on my deck, going for a walk and reading a book.  I am also going to call my doctor and make an appointment.

I am sharing this with you, because I am not the only person to deny that they are way over stressed. Don't do what I did. I was lucky I didn't end up dead. You might not be so lucky. If your life is stressful don't wait until you are in the back of an ambulance to do something about it. And if you do find yourself on that ride, Please listen to your doctor.

By the way , yesterday I found out that my tech had 100% determined the computer issue was not on my end. So denying my self medical care, was all for nothing. Stupid. I am a really Stupid woman.