Dear little angel

Dear little angel,
 As your 5 th anniversary into heaven approaches, you are always in my thoughts and on my mind. August 15 has become a dirty word ( or date ) to me, as it was the day you died here and were born into heaven.

I find myself wondering what is your new existence like? Is your arrival date like a birthday here on earth? Do you celebrate it and have birthday cake? Do you get to visit with god , and have chats with him. If I know you at all ( and I do), He would have been your first stop. I can imagine what that was like.  First you might have asked him to send you home. And if his answer was no, you would have wanted to know why. You would have then asked him about dinosaurs and what happened to them and where would you sleep? and lets not forget about dinner, Do they have dinner in heaven?

You might have asked about me and Brent and would we be ok?
 I will not know if this is how your first day into heaven took place, as long as I am here and you are there. But I wonder about it.

I have a recurring dream about you all the time. I have only told a few people about it.  I am walking through a beautiful forest, really big towering trees. There is a great deal of light and the birds are singing. In the dream I can hear the soft thud of my sneakers on the forest floor, all of a sudden you are standing in front of me. In my dream you are exactly as you were on earth, still have the cherub face , big brown eyes, kind smile and you are still ten. ( I always wonder if you are still 10 or if you age and continue to grow in heaven like you would have on earth)

You sound just the same, ( I can't quite remember the exact sound of  your voice when I am awake on earth but I hear it in my dreams and always know it is you) You yell "Mommy !!!!" just like you always did when I would arrive home and throw your arms around me. I can smell your wonderful little boy smell, I breathe it in and let it fill me. You then lead me down a path to a little cottage. "I live here" you tell me.

It is perfect, I can never remember exactly what it looks like when I am awake only certain parts, like the cupboard of swirly light that contains every book that has ever been written and will be written. You show me the kitchen that has just what you want when you want it, When I express amazement, you look at me like I have three heads, " This is HEAVEN Mommy!, of course it is amazing" You show me your bedroom and  I remember the bright finger paint pots sitting on the white dresser.

We go for a walk and soon we are on a beach, there are many children and you run to play with them, I hear someone call my name.

I turn around and I see a man approaching me, I know him but I have never seen him before. His voice is soft and gentle, and he has soft brown hair and a beard. He hugs me and all I can feel is happiness. He looks at me sadly and tells me he is sorry I had to go through the pain of losing you. Until he says that I forgot you had died. This place is so real , but yet so surreal, I had forgotten that I had ever hurt at all.  All I feel here is joy. Everything is so vivid, the smells, the color and the ever present light that does not seem to fade as the hours pass. The man goes on to explain that there are some things that are not meant to happen but when they do, they must run the full course. Your death was one of those things.  When I am awake, I think of this sentence a lot, It never makes sense to me in my waking hours. While I am asleep and having the dream, I understand what he means completely.
As I said in my dream I know the man , and when I am awake I can only come to one conclusion, I must be talking with Jesus.
 He tells me I am not done yet, that there are things I must do. I do not belong in this place just yet. He tells me that I will have more unhappiness on earth but great joy too. He says I am only just beginning to be who I am meant to be and that all I have gone through has been to shape me. He tells me he loves me and that I matter. I listen and understand everything he is telling me. It is like being here has given me a knowledge I normally don't have.

 We watch you silently for a minute and I try to absorb every sight. I hear your giggle as you play and I murmur , " I don't want to leave him".

Jesus smiles, and places his hand on my shoulder. "He will never even know you are gone. Time is different here. A  few minutes here is years on earth. I will make sure he never notices your absence. By the time he thinks to wonder where you are, you will be right in this spot waiting for him. You must wake up now, I cannot allow you stay any longer. You have a life and a path you must complete."

He moves to stand in front of me blocking my view, he tilts my chin so I must look directly into his piercing eyes, "Wake up now."

I pop awake and sit up looking around. For a second I think I can hear waves and children laughing. Then the dream is completely gone. It always is, I always seem to have a wonderful day after I dream this particular dream. At some point during the day , the dream will come rushing back to me and I remember where I spent the night. I am always a little sad when I remember, I wish I had hugged you more and asked Jesus more questions. I worry I wont dream of you the same way again.

I dream this same dream about once a month. I hope I have it many more times. On the 15th please dont feel bad if you look down on me and I am having a bad day , I will try not to be a wreak , but I cant promise. I will think of you though  I always do , I love you and miss you my little Christopher until I can dream of you again.
 Love mommy