Light at the end of the tunnel

I wrote this a while ago, when I was trying to work out some of what I was feeling, As I my post yesterday was about Chris and I thought I would share this today hopefully it will help someone

July 20th 2008 3:00 pm

It was a perfect day , we were at the beach, it was foggy so there were not a lot of people, the boys were playing and laughing, I can still hear the sound of their laughter as they swam. I remember thinking, I have the perfect life, A man whom I loved, who loved me, two wonderful children, a job I loved... At 3:00 I called the boys out of the water, and while David and I laughed at the way they were carrying on, I snapped a picture of them running across the beach. My life couldn't be more perfect, Brent and Chris were having such fun. Like oil and water the boys were so different, Brent took the rocky hard road in almost everything he did, and Christopher, he was laid back and easy going and took joy in everything. Together, they were amazing.

August 20 2008 3:00 pm

It was bright and sunny but I remember thinking how is it possible the sun is still shinning? As I walked out of the funeral home following the funeral attendants as they carried Christopher's urn to the hearse. I had just sat through my youngest son's memorial service,  30 days can change everything, Perfect became absolute destruction- my world was now ashes. And from that point it kept spiraling down and down into darkness.

 As a family we had experienced very little tragedy, We of course had people whom we loved pass away and there had been a few heart breaking moments over the years but on a whole, up until we lost Chris, we were extremely lucky. The losses we had suffered, our family for the most part, expected them as the person was ill or elderly and they had lived a full life. An expected loss is still hard and difficult, and will in some cases shake you to the core of your foundation, An unexpected loss , well it can split your foundation... It smashed ours to smithereens.

You know you love your children and your family, what you don't realize is how each member holds you all together, Chris in many ways was our glue. He made us laugh, he was always so excited about everything, without him, things got dark very very fast.

Brent withdrew, he blamed himself and I could not make him understand he was not at fault. How do you reach someone when you are also so angry at yourself for the same reasons? We were all walking around pissed off that we couldn't change what had happened. So we each dealt with it differently, As I said Brent withdrew, He always a child to be confrontational, He now became down right unmanageable, David would not discuss Chris, always a man who loved a drink, he began to drink more and more, until every moment he was not working he spent completely drunk.

And me , well I would love to say I held it together and brought my family back to one piece , but that would be a lie. I am ashamed to admit, I was praying for death. To say I was not handling it well was a gross understatement. And it was getting worse every single day.

We should have been helping each other, but we didn't know how. Therapy was NOT helpful , first off for it to be helpful you need all family members to go, David refused, he would not say Chris' name nor did he want anyone else to say Chris' name , he wanted to forget. I could not , As for Brent he didn't want to talk to me and he and David could not be in the same room together. My therapist was horrible, he seemed to think that having me tell him over and over about the day Chris died was helpful, it was more like having someone punch you in the face right after they poured battery acid on you. so I stopped going.

In April, David and I decided we were no longer able to stay together, we had endless fights about Christopher's things and his pictures. Again he wanted them gone and I refused. David is not a bad person , he just did not know any other way to deal with his pain , Chris' things and pictures of him, hurt him on a level he couldn't deal with so he drank to numb the pain. When that didn't work, He thought if only he couldn't see reminders it would hurt him less. I refused to entertain that, the thought of losing my pictures and Chris's toys and clothes, was  unbearable to me. So we broke up and he moved out.

 Unfortunately Brent and I then turned on one another. The arguments were really really stupid. But they were never ending. By May Brent had moved to his father's.
 Now I was alone.
 I didn't want to talk to anyone. In fact I hated everyone. I felt abandoned, and angry. When you are hurting like that it is really hard to recognize other people are in pain too.

Having at this point discovered that you cannot will yourself to die, I began to think seriously about killing myself. But there is a catch 22 here, the reason I wanted to die was because I missed Chris and I wanted to be where he was, I believe he is in heaven, and I also believe you cannot kill yourself and go to heaven. So now what??? I have heard people say over the years that if someone kills themselves, it makes them a coward, let me be the first to tell you that it 200% bull. You need real bravery to harm yourself in that way , and the truth is I am the largest of wimps. So here  I am.

The best way I can describe depression like this, is as follows, everyone spends 99.9% of their life in a fairly bright place, but everyone must enter the darkness at some point, the darkness can be brought on by anything, a divorce, an addiction, loss of finances, the loss of a loved one, whatever the reason, being in the dark is not a good place, horrible things live there, and everyone is alone in the dark. Luckily most people don't stay in dark places very long, medication or support or self-will can get you out, In the span of a lifetime most people spend only a few blinks of an eye in that dark place ,though it will feel longer, It is when you spend longer than a blink in the dark that you get into trouble. Your own fears become demons and whatever hurts you in the light can kill you in the dark. I was in the dark for a long time. For me medication wasn't very helpful, I tried several kinds, but they all had the same effect, They made me sleep. They made me sleep all the time, I wasn't depressed anymore but I wasn't awake either, Its hard to work and function if you are sleeping, So I had to stop taking them.

 Then one day out of the blue, I got a message on face book it went as follows, Hi my name is Max Hearn, please call me at 902-***-****,I have joyful news for you , and ps. my birth-date is April 7 1990.

April 7 1990 was the birth-date of my oldest child, whom I had named Stephen and had placed for adoption at birth as I felt he deserved more than I could give him. I was only 17 when I he was born and I knew I could not offer him a secure home or life. Interesting how when things were darkest, God choose that moment to have Max do a search for my last name and as luck would have it, my face book profile popped up , he was still not sure it was me until, his Mom, Neva looked at my profile picture, It was of Chris, and she recognized that he looked like Max did at the same age.

At this point Brent and I were able to talk to each other again and spending time together. I didn't hate the world as much though I admit I was still very very very angry. but I wasn't in complete darkness anymore, it was getting lighter.

Then one day my doorbell rang. I was of course asleep .. I stumbled to the door, and on my step was my friends Kirk and John Parsons... they had come to bring me a swing..It seems my friend Denise (Kirk's girlfriend) no longer had a place for her chair swing and I had expressed sometime in the past, I would like to have one..so they were bringing me one.

As they set up this swing for me, Kirk mentioned that he had a whipper sniper he wasn't going to use anymore - he mentioned it because my grass was to his knees, because - well lets just say lawn care is not my thing....Would I like the whipper sniper??? sure why not?? so I shower and go pick up the whipper sniper, well wouldn't you know it?... John is still with Kirk and well as these things go, one of my tail lights decides at that moment that it had lost the will to live and it stopped working. John nobly offers to fix it, which then led to a coffee date...

  Ironic really as I detest coffee... I think it is the foulest liquid on the planet. But I went anyway and had an ice cap instead... and as we are sitting there talking I remembered just how much fun I had with this man in years past, Over the next few weeks John and I had several more coffee dates, And then we decided to date exclusively.

Sometimes when things are not so good, God sends you the people who can make it better... John wanted to hear about Chris and made a point to help me protect my memories, he made an effort with Brent and encouraged Brent to come home when he was ready. Which Brent did very shortly afterwards. Somehow I didn't want to die anymore, I was still in a hell of a lot of pain and I don't think that will ever change, but I am not in the dark anymore. With John's help, I can cry if I want to and I do almost every day, Brent has found he can talk about his brother and although it is still very hard for him we often find ourselves sitting at the kitchen table laughing and telling John about something that the boys did together or something we remember...John also talked us into moving out of the home we had shared with Christopher, something I wouldn't entertain before, But it did help, I hadn't realized how much being in the house where Chris had died was hurting me.

So there is light at the end of the tunnel, Now I can be thankful I had 10 wonderful years with my son. Some parents don't get that much. I still want and wish for many more years, but at least I had 10. Brent and I are still getting to know Max, And it turns out he is a wonderful young man who I am very proud of. I don't know what the future will bring, But at least I know I should be able to get through it.

July 21 2012 3:00 pm

" Ok Mom they are ready for you" Max said as he took my arm and prepared to walk me down the aisle. Today was my wedding day. Today I was to become Mrs. John Parsons. My face hurt from smiling. Everyone I loved was there to witness the event. Max was walking me most of the way down the aisle, Brent would take me the rest of the way . Right at the head of the church, our minister had placed a table it held Christopher's picture, our rings the unity candles and a teddy bear that had some of Chris' ashes inside. As the music began and we made our entrance, I could see John standing there with his brother and his best friends, and I thought, " This is it, I made it I am in the light."

Brent and Chris running out of the water July 20 2008

Christopher Aug 11 2008 6 days before his death

 The table at the front of the church

Our perfect wedding day July 21 2012

Brent and Max dancing together at our wedding having fun and being silly :)

Memories, The litter box story

    Five years ago my world changed forever. My youngest son Christopher passed away. It was very sudden as he was not sick or anything like that. Chris was only 10 years old. He was playing and got hurt, and then he was gone.

   No mother is prepared to bury her child. It took me a long time to think of him with out bursting into tears. Slowly over time, with a lot of love and patience from my family and my friends I have come to a place where I can think of him not on the day he died but of who he was when he lived.

    

   Christopher was an amazing child in my eyes. Now I know what you are thinking, every mom says that, but Chris as we called him was different. He had a the gift of getting along with everyone. Nobody was " different " in his eyes. He loved everybody and they loved him. 

  He made us laugh. Sometimes it was intentional, sometimes as you will see in this story it was not. If you know me personally, you most likely have heard this story before. If you are just meeting me through this blog, I hope you will enjoy this silly cherished memory of ours.

  Chris was six years old and Brent ,who at the time was my oldest son at home, Brent was 10. I was a single mom and had been a single mom since Chris was about 2. Being a single mom is sometimes tough. You make choices you wish you didn't have too. One of these choices is to work outside my home. At the time there was not a lot of legitimate work from home opportunities out there. So I did what I had too. I was working for a company that helped families who had a disaster of some kind like a flood that damaged their home or a fire that damaged their home. My job was to clean and restore any of their possessions that we could.  The job allowed me to arrive home about an hour after my children. At the time I could  not afford a babysitter for only an hour, so my kids were home by themselves for that  time. 

  They liked coming home and having the house to themselves. It made them feel all grown up. They also had some rules to follow, They were not to answer the door or telephone. They were to do their homework if they had any. Brent was to change the cat's litter box and Chris was supposed to feed the cat.

  

  The cat was an orange and white tom cat the boys had found as a stray. He was called Screech. He earned that name. He was very affectionate and whenever he saw you or wanted your attention he would meow at you very loudly until you talked to him. This is where he got his name. Screech had one bad habit. If his litter box was not to his standards he would do his business in the bath tub. In order to keep Screech both boys had pinky swore to look after all his needs. Pinky swearing is serious business to a child, my children believed horrible things would happen if they broke this kind of oath. Being their mom and I knew this and I used it as much as I could .

  I arrived home on a wintry day to find Brent sitting in the corner on the floor holding Screech (who was loving the attention) and rocking him crying.

I was alarmed. "Brent, what is wrong?" I asked.

Brent looked up at me "Its screech he is very sick, he may even die!" 

Screech, at this moment was laying on his back in Brent's lap all four feet straight up, kneading the air while he purred loudly, as Brent rubbed his belly and cried. He certainly looked healthy to me. 

"Brent hunny, why do you think he is sick? He looks pretty happy to me."  I picked the cat up from his lap and looked him over and could find nothing wrong. Why was Brent so upset?

 It took me a few moments to get Brent calmed down enough to understand what he was saying, 

After a few moments he explained. "We came home from school and I wanted to do my chore right away so Screech didn't poop in the bathtub, I went to the bathroom, then I went to clean his box. Mom it must have hurt him , he must be sick, He seems ok, but he can't be!!!" He then proceeded to begin wailing again.  At this point I still didn't know why Brent thought the cat was dying.  Brent was now begging the cat not to die. Screech's response was to roll over and present his belly again for Brent to stroke.

Finally Brent said for me to go look into the litter box and see for myself. Keep in mind I had just gotten home from work , I was tired, hungry and the last thing I wanted to do was look at a dirty litter box. But if I was to figure out what all the drama was about I had to go and look. Up until this point, I hadn't noticed that Chris was no where in sight. Strange. If the boys believed their beloved cat was sick , why wasn't Chris here crying with Brent? I didn't have much time to figure it out, I was getting short on patience and I wanted to sort this all out. So I proceeded down the hall to the little utility room where the litter box was kept.  There was nothing in there except a freezer and the litter box so the door was always open so Screech had access, I turned on the light and looked at the box, It took a few moments for me to realize exactly what I was looking at..... Well I could see what had upset Brent.
I was not looking at cat feces,  If I had been looking at cat feces, then Brent would have been right, our cat would have definitely had a problem. What I was looking at was human poop... In the cat's litter box.

  I began to put two and two together , Brent was still in the kitchen with the cat, crying so it wasn't him, I knew that it was not me. That leaves only one other person. A certain 6 year old who is now conspicuously absent. I went looking for him.

 He wasn't in the living room or kitchen, I checked the boys bedroom first. I looked in the closet, nothing. I looked under Brent's bed, nothing, Then I heard a large sniff coming from under Chris' bed. I got down on the floor and lifted the dust cover, huddled as far away as the wall would allow, was one very miserable 6 year old.

  "Hey buddy, what are you doing way back there?" I asked. No answer. " Come on kiddo, come out of there and let me see you" .
 " Is Brent with you?" He asked
 " Nope, he is in the kitchen with Screech. Why don't you come out and give Mommy a hug, I missed you today." I answered.
 Slowly he wriggled out and climbed into my lap, He was obviously miserable, Although I had an idea what was going on, I decided to let him tell me.
" Can you tell me what is wrong?" I asked.
His big brown eyes filled with tears.
 " Oh Mommy, I did a really bad thing!" And he started to cry.
" Well why don't you tell Mommy about it."
" You can't tell Brent! pinky swear!!" He stuck out his little pinky finger. Well now, this was serious. I stuck out my pinky finger and wrapped it around his, Chris didn't know that Brent was peeking around the doorway listening to us, I would threaten him not to tell Chris he knew later.. " I swear" I promised." Now tell Mommy what you did."

He looked away from me, "I pooped in the litter box. Brent thinks it was Screech, He is gonna kill me!" And then he started to cry again. Now that I knew what had happened and the cat was in no danger, I tried really hard not to laugh, I was also confused, "Why did you poop in the litter box Chris?" I never dreamed this was a question I would ask my child.

"How did you poop in the litter box?" I could not fit my head around it.

" Brent was in the bathroom and I really needed to go, I didn't want to poop in my pants. I am NOT a baby!" he declared firmly " But I couldn't wait! then I thought of the litter box, I pushed Screech out of the way and squatted down and just did it. It was a 'mergency Mommy!"

He looked so serious, all I could do was hug him and tell him it was ok. And when he was out earshot, and couldn't see, I collapsed on my bed laughing as hard as I could.

 The day was saved. The cat would live.  Christopher cleaned  the litter box instead of Brent. Brent made it clear to Chris he had heard everything and he was NOT cleaning that up. I also heard my oldest inform his little brother that it was pretty smart to think quick that way, and that he never would have thought about that. Truthfully neither would have I. I made a point to explain to Chris that he should probably not do that again. Next time he should ask his brother to let him go first.
  Chris smiled at me and said" Don't worry Mommy I won't Screech didn't like it much he looked at me awful funny"

I hope you enjoyed this little memory of ours, It was a silly thing that we still laugh about today. Have your kids ever done something strange that you laughed about later?

  

Loving the unlovable and giving yourself the gift of love

 Recently I found myself drawn into a conversation about a person whom at the time I detested. I joined right in with the other person and even (I am ashamed to say) made the following comment : " If she were on fire, I would not piss on her to put her out." What a horrible thing to say. When you take the fact that I am a volunteer fire fighter, its even worse.

  I would like to say that I got caught up in the moment, that it was the other people in the conversation and their negativity that was drawing me to speak such venomous words, and although that might be only partly true, (the negativity at least) I was just being plain mean.

  I believe in the law of attraction. I believe you draw to you what you put out to the universe. I believe that every person has a purpose and a reason for being.

 Later while I was putting some jewelry together, ( I make things,  my hands don't like to be still) I decided to listen to a book about the law of attraction. Sometimes you can find a good audio book on YouTube, and that day I decided to listen to The Power by Rhonda Byrne and she began to talk about how we should handle unpleasant people and relationships.

  As she was talking about not judging others lest you draw that to yourself and sending people love and then letting go, a very uncomfortable thought began to form in my head.. I was a  VERY judgmental person. I was putting some very bad mojo out there to the universe. This was not good. This was one of life's lemons. This would make some very bitter lemonade. This needed to be fixed ASAP.

 This lead me to put some serious thought in how I spoke to others and thought about others. I do try to practice kindness every single day. But it dawned on me I only practiced it with people I loved, or strangers, How was I treating the people I didn't love? While I did not openly attack every single person whom I did not care for, I certainly gave out some bad energy to the universe about them. I am known to say "Be positive!" " Think happy thoughts, and you can turn anything around."  But the truth was I was not always doing this myself.

This made me very unhappy. I sat down and had to really give it some deep thought. It occurred to me that although I believed I had good reason for feeling the way I did, maybe my reasons were not valid.
By putting out that negativity I was pulling the same negativity back to me. It might not be coming in the form of someone saying something mean about me, but it was there. And I had done it to myself.

We all have a person or people in our life, family or community that we wish we could just banish. There are a lot of reasons for this.  Perhaps the person treated you badly, perhaps they broke your heart.
Sometimes, two people are just not compatible. Whatever the reason, we all have a person whom we think or speak or treat badly.

 For me, I had witnessed this person hurt a good friend of mine. I forgot that every person has their own life and reasons for doing what they do.  This person is not well liked in our community to begin with and instead of being neutral, I had jumped on the band wagon, armed with the "evidence" of what I had witnessed with my friend. So I climbed wayyyy up on my high horse and passed judgement. I forgot that this other person is none of my business.

 I was ashamed of myself. No matter what she had done, no one deserved that kind of thought directed toward them. I sat down and really thought about why I did not like her. Had she hurt me directly?
No. Was I jealous of her? No. I had bought into other's perceptions of her.  She does have some good qualities that I can admire. I decided to focus on that. Now when I see her, or hear someone mention her I focus on those qualities. I don't dwell on how I once felt.  I began applying this technique to other's that I found unpleasant. If I cannot say something nice, I wont say anything. If drawn into a conversation about another that is unpleasant or mean, I ask why the other person feels that way. I no longer climb on the horse.

  It wasn't easy. I had to work at it. Some days I still do. But then a strange thing happened. I began to feel better about me. I didn't even know I was feeling bad about myself until I no longer did.  My days seemed brighter and I was able to forgive more easily. Forgiving is truly healing. Forgiving does not mean another's bad behavior was ok. It means you have moved on. It takes work but once you can find the good in everyone , You set your self free.

  Now If someone has abused you then you might have more trouble. If a person has truly harmed you in some way. I don't mean just unkindness, I mean true harm , physical or mental harm,  Then I advise completely walking away. That person no longer deserves to be in your life in any way. But then let it go. Forgive them and move on. If you need to see a professional to help you do this, then you should. But let it go. You are not saying it was ok. It certainly was not. But don't let it rule or change you. Do not let it poison the wonderful person you are.

  When you learn to let go, truly let go , it opens a whole world before you, that you may not have even known was there. You will be truly free.

This post turned out to be much longer than I planned. I would like to hear how you deal with the unlovables in your life. Please leave me a comment or jot me an email. I would love to hear from you. until tomorrow...

Making Life from Lemonade

Hi there, Welcome to my blog. I am not sure how many people will read this or if anyone will. But if you are here, grab a cup of tea and get comfortable. First let me say thanks for stopping by.
 Let me tell you about myself. My name is Angie Parsons, I am married to the most wonderful man on the planet, His name is John, you will hear me call him John Boy, Why is John boy the most wonderful man on the planet you ask? Well let me tell you, he is not rich, not drop gorgeous, not even tall, but he is my hero. He loves me completely and let me tell you that is not easy to do. But he does it with grace and patience. So in my eyes that makes him wonderful.
 I am 40 years old. I live in Riverport Nova Scotia in Canada. Its a tiny place. I live 400 feet from the Atlantic Ocean. In this way I am blessed. 
 I am also a mother. I have carried three beautiful boys in my body, and brought them all screaming in the world. One I gave as a gift to another,one I lost to god, and one I am raising to be someone I hope will be as wonderful as John Boy. Got your attention? I will explain it all in future posts so keep reading.
 I work from home and this allows me time to be creative and use the gifts I have been given. My life is not as hard as some, but not as easy as I would wish and that it what this blog is about. I will tell you about my triumphs and my failures, I will tell you how I make life from lemons.

 We have all heard that saying  haven't we? "When life gives you lemons, make lemonade." It sounds like an easy thing to do, but that is not always the case. I will share with you my lemonade. I will try to make it interesting. Sometimes it will be funny, sometimes it might not be. My hope is that I will learn something about myself and teach you something too. 
 For now just sit back and grab a glass, come out and look at the sea with me and dream... until tomorrow.