Have you ever played the ABC game? The game where you call out the letters of the alphabet in order and say a word that starts with the letter you have been given until someone gets stuck. I am in a silly mood today and thought I would help you get to know me a little better by playing this little game, Here she goes, The ABC's of me..
A is for Angie, why that is me who knew?
B is for Brent, he is my son and my pride and joy also the bane of my existence some days. He will soon be headed to Acadia University in a few short weeks, I will face an empty nest..
C is for Christopher, My youngest son born Feb 19, 1998 in the middle of a blizzard and ice storm, He passed away Aug 15 2008, life has never been the same without him.
D is for determination, I am the most determined person I know when I set my mind to it.
E is for Exasperation, I am also a very exasperating person at times.
F is for friendship, I have been blessed with a multitude of amazing friends, These are the people I go to for everything , comfort companionship, and to be silly with and to vent and share new ideas, Heather,Lori, Andrea and Andrea, ( there are two), The Janets (also two) Kelly,Laureen ,Jackie , Kim, Denise, Derek, Dylan, Jeffery , Adam and Cody, with out all of you in my life I would be much less than I am today, Thank you so much.
G is for giving, it is a quality I am always trying to improve on in myself.
H is for handmade. I am always creating jewelry and other items because I love to.
I is for ice cream, Ha HA (you were thinking it, you know it and so do I) I LOOOOOVVVEEEE, this stuff , sadly it does not like me, I am lactose intolerant and it hurts my belly, but it does not stop me trying to eat it.
J is for 2 Janets and a John, Janet one is a friend for many years, she is an amazing woman, She can do ANYTHING, and I mean anything. Jay as we call her, showed up at my house once right after I found myself single. Was she there to comfort me, NOPE she wanted to show me how to check my oil. Amazing, Jay also always remembers my youngest son loved sunflowers and always posts one where I can see and mentions him on his anniversary date. Janet number two is a new friend in my life, but boy oh boy she is amazing too, she has had a pretty rough go herself, but I am in awe of her, she always says something to me that is just what I needed to hear. John, well that is my husband, and he is perfect. everyone has a soul mate and he is mine.
K is for daily acts of kindness, I am not always successful ,but I do try to be kind whenever I can.
L is for Law of attraction, the belief that you can bring anything about in your own life, It just takes practice and patience.
M is for Max, my oldest son , whom I placed for adoption when he was 5 days old. I was 17. We were reunited a couple of years ago. He is a wonderful young man who is about to make me a Nana, in January.
N is for nut, I am called this a lot although I have no idea why...
O is for ocean , I live beside the Atlantic ocean and until I moved here I didn't know that once I arrived I would become one of those people who needs it in their lives, to see it, swim in it, and play in it. I can not imagine a life where it is not in view .
P is Parsons, My family name. I just became a Parsons a year ago, being a member of this wonderful family has given me love, peace and joy. I am very proud to have this name.
Q is for quilling. I love this ancient and almost forgotten art. Maybe someday soon I will share some of my work with you.
R is for reading. I devour books, When I find one I like, I am known to read it again and again over the years. books and reading give me the chance to explore places and be someone totally different. I could not live with out books.
S is for Sophie and Storm, these are my furry babies , my cats . Sophie is a long haired white calico half manx and she is full of attitude. She is also the most loyal creature ever. She never leaves my side even when I go to the washroom, she has to go with me. She taught herself to play fetch like a dog and thinks she is a princess, and she is right. Storm, storm is the baby, we got him a year ago after seeing an add on Kijiji. He is a beautiful grey and white tabby and is sweet, talkative and loving. . He is a real cuddle cat and loves to greet company. He also loves the water and is always trying to find out how to swim, I found out the hard way that he must be shut out of the bathroom when I take a bath.
T is for tomboy, I have always enjoyed boy things, trucks , 4 wheeling, playing in the dirt, hunting. Now as I am older I embrace the more feminine side of me, more than the tomboy side.
U is for unique, no one can argue that I am anything but unique...
V is for virtual. I am a homebody. when I say that I mean if given a choice I would always choose home over anything else, So I work virtually, and see most of my friends virtually, thank god for the internet, if not for that invention I would have to work outside my home and wear something other than my jammies on a regular basis ..
W is for witch and water, why witch you ask? Well when it comes to snow, most of my friends swear I must be a snow witch. All I have to say is it will snow at this time and it does, my friend Lori will call me and say " ok my witchy friend can you stop making it snow now... PLEASE??" What can I say ? I love the snow .Water, I love to swim once I am in I am pretty difficult to get out, I should have been born with gills and fins.
X is for Xena Warrior Princess, In my fantasies I am just like her, confident, strong and beautiful, Then I wake up... perhaps I could rock a sword in a past life.
Y is for yoga, I am trying to master this , it will take some time, most people who enjoy yoga are slim and flexible, I am decidedly round and unflexible, this is new thing I am just learning so someday I might be able to twist myself into the positions but I am not there yet.
Z is for ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ I like millions of others snore, much to my husbands annoyance...
So there you have it the abc's of me. I am impressed with myself that I was able to find something for each letter that applied to me, feel free to share and challenge yourself to come up with the abc's of you :)
P.s A few people have said to me that they would like to comment on my posts or share but don't know how, all you need is a gmail account, sign up for one and sign in and you can comment, as for sharing look to the bottom, there is a small, Facebook icon there and a twitter one too, feel free to share any of my posts you might like, I like hearing what you all think so feel free comment as often as you like to . Have a great day everyone.
Sunday, 11 August 2013
Saturday, 10 August 2013
Dear little angel
Dear little angel,
As your 5 th anniversary into heaven approaches, you are always in my thoughts and on my mind. August 15 has become a dirty word ( or date ) to me, as it was the day you died here and were born into heaven.
I find myself wondering what is your new existence like? Is your arrival date like a birthday here on earth? Do you celebrate it and have birthday cake? Do you get to visit with god , and have chats with him. If I know you at all ( and I do), He would have been your first stop. I can imagine what that was like. First you might have asked him to send you home. And if his answer was no, you would have wanted to know why. You would have then asked him about dinosaurs and what happened to them and where would you sleep? and lets not forget about dinner, Do they have dinner in heaven?
You might have asked about me and Brent and would we be ok?
I will not know if this is how your first day into heaven took place, as long as I am here and you are there. But I wonder about it.
I have a recurring dream about you all the time. I have only told a few people about it. I am walking through a beautiful forest, really big towering trees. There is a great deal of light and the birds are singing. In the dream I can hear the soft thud of my sneakers on the forest floor, all of a sudden you are standing in front of me. In my dream you are exactly as you were on earth, still have the cherub face , big brown eyes, kind smile and you are still ten. ( I always wonder if you are still 10 or if you age and continue to grow in heaven like you would have on earth)
You sound just the same, ( I can't quite remember the exact sound of your voice when I am awake on earth but I hear it in my dreams and always know it is you) You yell "Mommy !!!!" just like you always did when I would arrive home and throw your arms around me. I can smell your wonderful little boy smell, I breathe it in and let it fill me. You then lead me down a path to a little cottage. "I live here" you tell me.
It is perfect, I can never remember exactly what it looks like when I am awake only certain parts, like the cupboard of swirly light that contains every book that has ever been written and will be written. You show me the kitchen that has just what you want when you want it, When I express amazement, you look at me like I have three heads, " This is HEAVEN Mommy!, of course it is amazing" You show me your bedroom and I remember the bright finger paint pots sitting on the white dresser.
We go for a walk and soon we are on a beach, there are many children and you run to play with them, I hear someone call my name.
I turn around and I see a man approaching me, I know him but I have never seen him before. His voice is soft and gentle, and he has soft brown hair and a beard. He hugs me and all I can feel is happiness. He looks at me sadly and tells me he is sorry I had to go through the pain of losing you. Until he says that I forgot you had died. This place is so real , but yet so surreal, I had forgotten that I had ever hurt at all. All I feel here is joy. Everything is so vivid, the smells, the color and the ever present light that does not seem to fade as the hours pass. The man goes on to explain that there are some things that are not meant to happen but when they do, they must run the full course. Your death was one of those things. When I am awake, I think of this sentence a lot, It never makes sense to me in my waking hours. While I am asleep and having the dream, I understand what he means completely.
As I said in my dream I know the man , and when I am awake I can only come to one conclusion, I must be talking with Jesus.
He tells me I am not done yet, that there are things I must do. I do not belong in this place just yet. He tells me that I will have more unhappiness on earth but great joy too. He says I am only just beginning to be who I am meant to be and that all I have gone through has been to shape me. He tells me he loves me and that I matter. I listen and understand everything he is telling me. It is like being here has given me a knowledge I normally don't have.
We watch you silently for a minute and I try to absorb every sight. I hear your giggle as you play and I murmur , " I don't want to leave him".
Jesus smiles, and places his hand on my shoulder. "He will never even know you are gone. Time is different here. A few minutes here is years on earth. I will make sure he never notices your absence. By the time he thinks to wonder where you are, you will be right in this spot waiting for him. You must wake up now, I cannot allow you stay any longer. You have a life and a path you must complete."
He moves to stand in front of me blocking my view, he tilts my chin so I must look directly into his piercing eyes, "Wake up now."
I pop awake and sit up looking around. For a second I think I can hear waves and children laughing. Then the dream is completely gone. It always is, I always seem to have a wonderful day after I dream this particular dream. At some point during the day , the dream will come rushing back to me and I remember where I spent the night. I am always a little sad when I remember, I wish I had hugged you more and asked Jesus more questions. I worry I wont dream of you the same way again.
I dream this same dream about once a month. I hope I have it many more times. On the 15th please dont feel bad if you look down on me and I am having a bad day , I will try not to be a wreak , but I cant promise. I will think of you though I always do , I love you and miss you my little Christopher until I can dream of you again.
Love mommy
As your 5 th anniversary into heaven approaches, you are always in my thoughts and on my mind. August 15 has become a dirty word ( or date ) to me, as it was the day you died here and were born into heaven.
I find myself wondering what is your new existence like? Is your arrival date like a birthday here on earth? Do you celebrate it and have birthday cake? Do you get to visit with god , and have chats with him. If I know you at all ( and I do), He would have been your first stop. I can imagine what that was like. First you might have asked him to send you home. And if his answer was no, you would have wanted to know why. You would have then asked him about dinosaurs and what happened to them and where would you sleep? and lets not forget about dinner, Do they have dinner in heaven?
You might have asked about me and Brent and would we be ok?
I will not know if this is how your first day into heaven took place, as long as I am here and you are there. But I wonder about it.
I have a recurring dream about you all the time. I have only told a few people about it. I am walking through a beautiful forest, really big towering trees. There is a great deal of light and the birds are singing. In the dream I can hear the soft thud of my sneakers on the forest floor, all of a sudden you are standing in front of me. In my dream you are exactly as you were on earth, still have the cherub face , big brown eyes, kind smile and you are still ten. ( I always wonder if you are still 10 or if you age and continue to grow in heaven like you would have on earth)
You sound just the same, ( I can't quite remember the exact sound of your voice when I am awake on earth but I hear it in my dreams and always know it is you) You yell "Mommy !!!!" just like you always did when I would arrive home and throw your arms around me. I can smell your wonderful little boy smell, I breathe it in and let it fill me. You then lead me down a path to a little cottage. "I live here" you tell me.
It is perfect, I can never remember exactly what it looks like when I am awake only certain parts, like the cupboard of swirly light that contains every book that has ever been written and will be written. You show me the kitchen that has just what you want when you want it, When I express amazement, you look at me like I have three heads, " This is HEAVEN Mommy!, of course it is amazing" You show me your bedroom and I remember the bright finger paint pots sitting on the white dresser.
We go for a walk and soon we are on a beach, there are many children and you run to play with them, I hear someone call my name.
I turn around and I see a man approaching me, I know him but I have never seen him before. His voice is soft and gentle, and he has soft brown hair and a beard. He hugs me and all I can feel is happiness. He looks at me sadly and tells me he is sorry I had to go through the pain of losing you. Until he says that I forgot you had died. This place is so real , but yet so surreal, I had forgotten that I had ever hurt at all. All I feel here is joy. Everything is so vivid, the smells, the color and the ever present light that does not seem to fade as the hours pass. The man goes on to explain that there are some things that are not meant to happen but when they do, they must run the full course. Your death was one of those things. When I am awake, I think of this sentence a lot, It never makes sense to me in my waking hours. While I am asleep and having the dream, I understand what he means completely.
As I said in my dream I know the man , and when I am awake I can only come to one conclusion, I must be talking with Jesus.
He tells me I am not done yet, that there are things I must do. I do not belong in this place just yet. He tells me that I will have more unhappiness on earth but great joy too. He says I am only just beginning to be who I am meant to be and that all I have gone through has been to shape me. He tells me he loves me and that I matter. I listen and understand everything he is telling me. It is like being here has given me a knowledge I normally don't have.
We watch you silently for a minute and I try to absorb every sight. I hear your giggle as you play and I murmur , " I don't want to leave him".
Jesus smiles, and places his hand on my shoulder. "He will never even know you are gone. Time is different here. A few minutes here is years on earth. I will make sure he never notices your absence. By the time he thinks to wonder where you are, you will be right in this spot waiting for him. You must wake up now, I cannot allow you stay any longer. You have a life and a path you must complete."
He moves to stand in front of me blocking my view, he tilts my chin so I must look directly into his piercing eyes, "Wake up now."
I pop awake and sit up looking around. For a second I think I can hear waves and children laughing. Then the dream is completely gone. It always is, I always seem to have a wonderful day after I dream this particular dream. At some point during the day , the dream will come rushing back to me and I remember where I spent the night. I am always a little sad when I remember, I wish I had hugged you more and asked Jesus more questions. I worry I wont dream of you the same way again.
I dream this same dream about once a month. I hope I have it many more times. On the 15th please dont feel bad if you look down on me and I am having a bad day , I will try not to be a wreak , but I cant promise. I will think of you though I always do , I love you and miss you my little Christopher until I can dream of you again.
Love mommy
Friday, 9 August 2013
Time to wake up
Sorry I have not posted in a while, I have had a lot going on and truthfully I think I have had a little writers block as well.
One thing I learned this summer is that I must learn how to relax and not hold stuff in. The worst part was I thought I was relaxing. Summer time brings a lot of mixed feelings for me. One part joy and one part sadness, as it always ends with an anniversary I would rather forget.
I thought I was dealing pretty well. I was wrong, I am finding out that I am wrong a lot lately. It is very disconcerting. I usually spend summer on my deck enjoying the sunshine and reading a book, watching the waves of the ocean as I have an awesome view. I spend time with friends and time on my friend Neva's houseboat. Towards the end of summer comes the anniversary of my son's death. That day I kind of go into myself and just try to deal. But for the most part I do enjoy summer.
This summer was different and I hadn't even noticed. However, when things are off and you ignore them sooner or later the universe will make you listen, take notice and force you to make a change. It will send you little signals at first. Then it will up the stakes. If you still haven't paid attention it will send you a big message, and not one you are going to enjoy.
I guess my first signal started with how I felt, I haven't felt great for a while now, just little aches and pains here and there. Then I started getting headaches, annoying but manageable. The headaches started turning into migraines and still I did not question why?
Had I taken a second to think about it I would have seen my stress level was through the roof. On the rare occasions that I actually did the things that made summer so nice for me, I felt better. But I wasn't sitting on my deck or walking the beach or any of the other things that I love to do, the things I need to do to relax. I was too busy worrying about money and paying bills, and I don't mean just a little worry, I mean tossing and turning all night , thinking about it constantly worry.
The headaches are caused by gritting my teeth, I tend to bite down when things are tough, the more stress I have, the more I bite down . I don't even know I am doing it. Until my head feels like it is about to explode from the pressure. It is s symptom that I wasn't paying attention too at all.
I was about to get the biggest wake up call possible. In the back of an ambulance.
Fast forward to Wednesday night. I had a very stressful day at work, due to some issues on my internet providers side I could not stay in my vpn , and was getting kicked out of the system. The problem actually started a few days before, and we just could not find the problem. Working from home is different that working in an office. In an office if something is wrong the tech fixes it, but from home , your boss has no idea if there really is a malfunction or if you are just trying to get out of working. After hours of remote sessions on team viewer with the tech scrolling through all of my systems and then more hours with the tech getting fed up and calling my internet provider and hearing there were no issues , I was beginning to feel like they were thinking I was just trying to get out of working. This makes me panic a bit, because I am the main breadwinner. Losing my job right now would be disastrous. My husband recently lost his high paying job, my job is the only big source of income right now, and trust me its not really a very big source.
After my shift I was having trouble letting the frustration of the day go, we ate supper and I sat down to read some emails, I had received an unpleasant one about a bill that is past due (story of my life lately) I pulled out my purse and took out the money I had saved for this very bill , How I have teeth left is beyond me I was biting down so hard. I was doing some calculating , and I knew we were going to come up short.
At this point I believe I had words with my husband but I honestly don't remember, Because now I couldn't breathe, and my chest hurt and my arm and oh my god my head!
My husband said I was grey, He tried to rub my back and he could feel my heart pounding through my back. I took my inhaler and tried to calm down but I was shaky and felt like I was going to throw up. I sent a text to my friend Lori , could she bring a blood pressure cuff from the fire hall and just come and check my pressure? Its a good thing there were no cops in Riverport that night, I am pretty sure she broke the speed barrier getting to my house.
I don't remember the exact number but my pressure was 165 over some other high number. Not good. My son called 911 and my fire dept (of which I am a member) was sent out to my home,(now I am embarrassed and still trying not to pass out) along with the EMT and the ambulance. I was fine I said , I was sure it was just a panic attack, No I did not want to go to the hospital. The EMT and Lori and my husband conferred. Nope I was not going to to win this one, They believed I was having a heart attack. My husband made the final call, hospital it is. So I get carried out of my home on a gurney. At this point I should have been telling myself to wake up, and start listening, but nooo, I wasn't done being stubborn.
To make a long story short after several hours on an ECG machine I was informed that they needed more tests. These tests would not take place until morning and I was going to miss work. And then my stupidity kicked in. Miss work? after yesterdays fiasco???? Never going to happen. I was really really scared of losing my job. And I was not thinking clearly. I insisted that I was fine and I was going home. I signed my self out against medical advise.
STUPID
Yes I am proclaiming to the whole internet world I am a stupid woman.
Did I have a heart attack? I don't know. Possibly. I can tell you this, my husband and friends are livid with me and they are right.
But I am listening now to my body. I am starting this very day to take measures to calm down. There are things beyond my control. And if this happens again and I am lucky enough to survive it. I will stay in the hospital until they tell me I can go. I have never worried about my health before, I never even thought about it. I must start looking after myself. If I don't I am going to die.
I am already finding out that unwinding the spring that is me is not going to be so easy. I can no longer hold in a years worth of pissed off, I have to let it go. It will be a learning process. Being stubborn has got me through a lot, but it is no longer serving me. It is time to admit I cannot handle everything on my own. For now I think I will start with some of the things I used to enjoy, like simple things like sitting on my deck, going for a walk and reading a book. I am also going to call my doctor and make an appointment.
I am sharing this with you, because I am not the only person to deny that they are way over stressed. Don't do what I did. I was lucky I didn't end up dead. You might not be so lucky. If your life is stressful don't wait until you are in the back of an ambulance to do something about it. And if you do find yourself on that ride, Please listen to your doctor.
By the way , yesterday I found out that my tech had 100% determined the computer issue was not on my end. So denying my self medical care, was all for nothing. Stupid. I am a really Stupid woman.
One thing I learned this summer is that I must learn how to relax and not hold stuff in. The worst part was I thought I was relaxing. Summer time brings a lot of mixed feelings for me. One part joy and one part sadness, as it always ends with an anniversary I would rather forget.
I thought I was dealing pretty well. I was wrong, I am finding out that I am wrong a lot lately. It is very disconcerting. I usually spend summer on my deck enjoying the sunshine and reading a book, watching the waves of the ocean as I have an awesome view. I spend time with friends and time on my friend Neva's houseboat. Towards the end of summer comes the anniversary of my son's death. That day I kind of go into myself and just try to deal. But for the most part I do enjoy summer.
This summer was different and I hadn't even noticed. However, when things are off and you ignore them sooner or later the universe will make you listen, take notice and force you to make a change. It will send you little signals at first. Then it will up the stakes. If you still haven't paid attention it will send you a big message, and not one you are going to enjoy.
I guess my first signal started with how I felt, I haven't felt great for a while now, just little aches and pains here and there. Then I started getting headaches, annoying but manageable. The headaches started turning into migraines and still I did not question why?
Had I taken a second to think about it I would have seen my stress level was through the roof. On the rare occasions that I actually did the things that made summer so nice for me, I felt better. But I wasn't sitting on my deck or walking the beach or any of the other things that I love to do, the things I need to do to relax. I was too busy worrying about money and paying bills, and I don't mean just a little worry, I mean tossing and turning all night , thinking about it constantly worry.
The headaches are caused by gritting my teeth, I tend to bite down when things are tough, the more stress I have, the more I bite down . I don't even know I am doing it. Until my head feels like it is about to explode from the pressure. It is s symptom that I wasn't paying attention too at all.
I was about to get the biggest wake up call possible. In the back of an ambulance.
Fast forward to Wednesday night. I had a very stressful day at work, due to some issues on my internet providers side I could not stay in my vpn , and was getting kicked out of the system. The problem actually started a few days before, and we just could not find the problem. Working from home is different that working in an office. In an office if something is wrong the tech fixes it, but from home , your boss has no idea if there really is a malfunction or if you are just trying to get out of working. After hours of remote sessions on team viewer with the tech scrolling through all of my systems and then more hours with the tech getting fed up and calling my internet provider and hearing there were no issues , I was beginning to feel like they were thinking I was just trying to get out of working. This makes me panic a bit, because I am the main breadwinner. Losing my job right now would be disastrous. My husband recently lost his high paying job, my job is the only big source of income right now, and trust me its not really a very big source.
After my shift I was having trouble letting the frustration of the day go, we ate supper and I sat down to read some emails, I had received an unpleasant one about a bill that is past due (story of my life lately) I pulled out my purse and took out the money I had saved for this very bill , How I have teeth left is beyond me I was biting down so hard. I was doing some calculating , and I knew we were going to come up short.
At this point I believe I had words with my husband but I honestly don't remember, Because now I couldn't breathe, and my chest hurt and my arm and oh my god my head!
My husband said I was grey, He tried to rub my back and he could feel my heart pounding through my back. I took my inhaler and tried to calm down but I was shaky and felt like I was going to throw up. I sent a text to my friend Lori , could she bring a blood pressure cuff from the fire hall and just come and check my pressure? Its a good thing there were no cops in Riverport that night, I am pretty sure she broke the speed barrier getting to my house.
I don't remember the exact number but my pressure was 165 over some other high number. Not good. My son called 911 and my fire dept (of which I am a member) was sent out to my home,(now I am embarrassed and still trying not to pass out) along with the EMT and the ambulance. I was fine I said , I was sure it was just a panic attack, No I did not want to go to the hospital. The EMT and Lori and my husband conferred. Nope I was not going to to win this one, They believed I was having a heart attack. My husband made the final call, hospital it is. So I get carried out of my home on a gurney. At this point I should have been telling myself to wake up, and start listening, but nooo, I wasn't done being stubborn.
To make a long story short after several hours on an ECG machine I was informed that they needed more tests. These tests would not take place until morning and I was going to miss work. And then my stupidity kicked in. Miss work? after yesterdays fiasco???? Never going to happen. I was really really scared of losing my job. And I was not thinking clearly. I insisted that I was fine and I was going home. I signed my self out against medical advise.
STUPID
Yes I am proclaiming to the whole internet world I am a stupid woman.
Did I have a heart attack? I don't know. Possibly. I can tell you this, my husband and friends are livid with me and they are right.
But I am listening now to my body. I am starting this very day to take measures to calm down. There are things beyond my control. And if this happens again and I am lucky enough to survive it. I will stay in the hospital until they tell me I can go. I have never worried about my health before, I never even thought about it. I must start looking after myself. If I don't I am going to die.
I am already finding out that unwinding the spring that is me is not going to be so easy. I can no longer hold in a years worth of pissed off, I have to let it go. It will be a learning process. Being stubborn has got me through a lot, but it is no longer serving me. It is time to admit I cannot handle everything on my own. For now I think I will start with some of the things I used to enjoy, like simple things like sitting on my deck, going for a walk and reading a book. I am also going to call my doctor and make an appointment.
I am sharing this with you, because I am not the only person to deny that they are way over stressed. Don't do what I did. I was lucky I didn't end up dead. You might not be so lucky. If your life is stressful don't wait until you are in the back of an ambulance to do something about it. And if you do find yourself on that ride, Please listen to your doctor.
By the way , yesterday I found out that my tech had 100% determined the computer issue was not on my end. So denying my self medical care, was all for nothing. Stupid. I am a really Stupid woman.
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