Housework Blues

So John boy bought me what is arguably the worst gift ever... A sponge mop. Now before we send out the lynching crew, he was trying to make life easier for the both of us. We like many households share the chores. there are not many jobs in my house that fall only to one or the other... Except the garbage. John Boy does that because in between pick ups it is kept in the basement, and I don't do basements, ever.

 So back to my story. Most people who have floors that need to be cleaned belong to one of four camps or maybe a combo of one or two. 1) String mop
                                                     2) sponge mop
                                                     3) hand scrubbing
                                                     4) wash the floors?? I didn't know they were washable...

I am a string mop gal and when all else fails , hand scrub the crap out of it,  But the truth is I am bad at it. I am not a good sweeper and always seem to leave something behind, So I use the string mop , I like it because I can throw the head in the washer when I am done and its all clean again, John hates it, and he is a great floor washer, he never leaves anything behind.. So he brought this thing home very proud of himself, And this morning I decided to test it out...

Yeah stupid idea, it did clean the floors but I had to go over everything twice as much, going back to my string mop for sure.

So now that you have read the most boring post ever, about cleaning floors no less, I am done venting, and the truth is , John really was trying to be nice, he thought it would make life easier so rather that bitch at him and make him feel bad, I thought I would vent here.

The truth is life is pretty good if all I have to complain about is a sponge mop.

Attitude of Gratitude

Sometimes when things aren't going right it is easy to sink into a sea of "why me? " I admit I have been guilty of this many times. And then I read something online. I can't remember the exact wording, but it went something like, Happy people don't have the best of everything, but are thankful for what they do have. Its not exact wording but you get the point.

 It made me think, when was the last time I said thank you? I may have had some tough times , but I am very very blessed. I have wonderful children and a husband who adores me no matter what, I have amazing friends who brighten my day and always welcome me no matter what. I have a beautiful home which I love, in place that is like no where else on earth. Perhaps if I was grateful, the petty little things that bother me would not be so bothersome anymore.

So I began to make a list of all the things I was truly grateful for, I expected it to be pretty short, but it turns out I filled 3 pages single spaced. And I could have filled three more. Once I completed that little exercise, My whole attitude had changed. I felt wonderful. So I have begun to do this everyday and the change in my world has been amazing. The biggest change is I am finally relaxed, being grateful for EVERYTHING you have has that effect.  It is easy to be thankful for big things, but when was the last time you flicked a light switch and thought to yourself, I am so grateful that we have electricity, imagine life with out it.. Try it for a few days, Its an easy habit to get into. And it tends to rub off on your family members too. My husband has now started telling me what he is grateful for each day, and when he does he is always amazed at all the things he has to be thankful for.

When you are thankful for what you have, no matter how small or seemingly insignificant, the things you don't have seem to either seem very trivial , or suddenly there they are just for you. More about that later..

Thank you for reading

Now what???

I am sorry I haven't  written for so long, August was a flurry of activity trying to get my son Brent all ready to go off to university. The month went so fast, that before I knew it it was over and my baby was all moved out.

Brent was accepted into the only school he wanted. Acadia University. It is not far away, only an hour and a half drive, so at first I wasn't worried about him being there and not here. Like most parents I spent his early years just enjoying his cuteness, and thinking that university was soooo far away, Once he reached teenager status there were many days university could not come soon enough. But as the days ticked down in August to the 31st, the day he would actually go, I found myself wishing I could slow things down.

So the day came, we started early and were there just after 10 am. He was whisked away to begin "get to know you" frosh stuff and we went on a tour of the campus, It is impressive, its like a little town all in its self. We got to watch his matriculation ceremony and then we were headed home. I did at least get to give him a hug and kiss before we left. He was so excited, and he was ready for us to leave.

Once we were home it was so strange to see his empty room, and the house is so quiet. For a few days it was almost nice to have it be so quiet. But as the days pass I am beginning to realize a few things,

The first is, we don't watch tv. That big expensive 46 inch plasma flat screen my husband had to have a few years ago has only been turned on once since Brent left. The second is I cannot cook for two people. I have thrown more food away since he left. I also did not realize how much stuff I bought at the grocery store mainly for my kid, like the giant jug of peanut butter that would only last a few days now sits a waste in my cupboard.

 I didn't even notice how much of my day was spent mothering until I had no one to mother. I miss him most in the evenings, A lot of my routine was based around him, making meals , just chatting with him, with out the activity of having him come home for the day and tell me all about his day and then go play his guitar , there is a large part of my day missing.

 Our contact is now relegated to text message and the occasional phone call. He is a busy boy with studies and his new found job. I am having trouble being busy enough. I was used to the routine with him, Now my routine is all messed up, Case in point, a few days ago, my husband arrived home from his job and was tired, as I had not started supper yet, he decided to have a nap, just a half an hour. I was a bit sleepy too and decided to join him. We both fell asleep and didn't wake up until 3:45 am. I cooked supper at 4 o'clock in the morning. Little things like that that never would have happened had Brent still been home.

No one is to blame, I just have to adjust to having lost the longest job I ever held, 19 years of being full time caretaker to my wonderful boy. I will learn to manage without him, probably just in time for him to come home in the summer.

I think the biggest thing is I miss him, more than I thought I would. But I am so pleased for him as well, He has his whole future ahead of him and if he does everything he needs to, no doors will be closed for him and that is a wonderful feeling, and well worth my being a little lost.

The ABC's of Me

Have you ever played the ABC game? The game where you call out the letters of the alphabet in order and say a word that starts with the letter you have been given until someone gets stuck. I am in a silly mood today and thought I would help you get to know me a little better by playing this little game, Here she goes, The ABC's of me..

A is for Angie,  why that is me who knew?

B is for Brent, he is my son and my pride and joy also the bane of my existence some days. He will soon be headed to Acadia University in a few short weeks, I will face an empty nest..

C is for Christopher, My youngest son born Feb 19, 1998 in the middle of a blizzard and ice storm, He passed away Aug 15 2008, life has never been the same without him.

D is for determination, I am the most determined person I know when I set my mind to it.

E is for Exasperation, I am also a very exasperating person at times.

F is for friendship, I have been blessed with a multitude of amazing friends, These are the people I go to for everything , comfort companionship, and to be silly with and to vent and share new ideas, Heather,Lori, Andrea and Andrea, ( there are two), The Janets (also two) Kelly,Laureen ,Jackie , Kim, Denise, Derek, Dylan, Jeffery , Adam and Cody, with out all of you in my life I would be much less than I am today, Thank you so much.

G is for giving, it is a quality I am always trying to improve on in myself.

H is for handmade. I am always creating jewelry and other items because I love to.

I  is for ice cream, Ha HA (you were thinking it, you know it and so do I) I LOOOOOVVVEEEE, this stuff , sadly it does not like me, I am lactose intolerant and it hurts my belly, but it does not stop me trying to eat it.

J is for 2 Janets and a John, Janet one is a friend for many years, she is an amazing woman, She can do ANYTHING, and I mean anything. Jay as we call her, showed up at my house once right after I found myself single. Was she there to comfort me, NOPE she wanted to show me how to check my oil. Amazing, Jay also always remembers my youngest son loved sunflowers and always posts one where I can see and mentions him on his anniversary date. Janet number two is a new friend in my life, but boy oh boy she is amazing too, she has had a pretty rough go herself, but I am in awe of her, she always says something to me that is just what I needed to hear.  John, well that is my husband, and he is perfect. everyone has a soul mate and he is mine.

K is for daily acts of kindness, I am not always successful ,but I do try to be kind whenever I can.

L is for Law of attraction, the belief that you can bring anything about in your own life, It just takes practice and patience.

M is for Max, my oldest son , whom I placed for adoption when he was 5 days old. I was 17. We were reunited a couple of years ago. He is a wonderful young man who is about to make me a Nana, in January.

N is for nut, I am called this a lot although I have no idea why...

O is for ocean , I live beside the Atlantic ocean and until I moved here I didn't know that once I arrived I would become one of those people who needs it in their lives, to see it, swim in it, and play in it. I can not imagine a life where it is not in view .

P is Parsons, My family name. I just became a Parsons a year ago, being a member of this wonderful family has given me love, peace and joy. I am very proud to have this name.

Q is for quilling. I love this ancient and almost forgotten art. Maybe someday soon I will share some of my work with you.

R is for reading. I devour books, When I find one I like, I am known to read it again and again over the years. books and reading give me the chance to explore places and be someone totally different. I could not live with out books.

S is for Sophie and Storm, these are my furry babies , my cats . Sophie is a long haired white calico half manx and she is full of attitude. She is also the most loyal creature ever. She never leaves my side even when I go to the washroom, she has to go with me. She taught herself to play fetch like a dog and thinks she is a princess, and she is right. Storm, storm is the baby, we got him a year ago after seeing an add on Kijiji. He is a beautiful grey and white tabby and is sweet, talkative and loving. . He is a real cuddle cat and loves to greet company. He also loves the water and is always trying to find out how to swim, I found out the hard way that he must be shut out of the bathroom when I take a bath.

T is for tomboy, I have always enjoyed boy things, trucks , 4 wheeling, playing in the dirt, hunting.  Now as I am older I embrace the more feminine side of me, more than the tomboy side.

U is for unique, no one can argue that I am anything but unique...

V is for virtual. I am a homebody. when I say that I mean if given a choice I would always choose home over anything else, So I work virtually, and see most of my friends virtually, thank god for the internet, if not for that invention I would have to work outside my home and wear something other than my jammies on a regular basis ..

W is for witch and water, why witch you ask? Well when it comes to snow, most of my friends swear I must be a snow witch. All I have to say is it will snow at this time and it does, my friend Lori will call me and say " ok my witchy friend can you stop making it snow now... PLEASE??"  What can I say ? I love the snow .Water, I love  to swim once I am in I am pretty difficult to get out, I should have been born with gills and fins.

X is for Xena Warrior Princess, In my fantasies I am just like her, confident, strong and beautiful, Then I wake up... perhaps I could rock a sword in a past life.

Y is for yoga, I am trying to master this , it will take some time, most people who enjoy yoga are slim and flexible, I am decidedly round and unflexible, this is new thing I am just learning so someday I might be able to twist myself into the positions but I am not there yet.

Z is for ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ I like millions of others snore, much to my husbands annoyance...

So there you have it the abc's of me. I am impressed with myself that I was able to find something for each letter that applied to me, feel free to share and challenge yourself to come up with the abc's  of you :)


P.s A few people have said to me that they would like to comment on my posts or share but don't know how, all you need is a gmail account, sign up for one and sign in and you can comment, as for sharing look to the bottom, there is a small, Facebook icon there and a twitter one too, feel free to share any of my posts you might like, I like hearing what you all think so feel free comment as often as you like to . Have a great day everyone.

Dear little angel

Dear little angel,
 As your 5 th anniversary into heaven approaches, you are always in my thoughts and on my mind. August 15 has become a dirty word ( or date ) to me, as it was the day you died here and were born into heaven.

I find myself wondering what is your new existence like? Is your arrival date like a birthday here on earth? Do you celebrate it and have birthday cake? Do you get to visit with god , and have chats with him. If I know you at all ( and I do), He would have been your first stop. I can imagine what that was like.  First you might have asked him to send you home. And if his answer was no, you would have wanted to know why. You would have then asked him about dinosaurs and what happened to them and where would you sleep? and lets not forget about dinner, Do they have dinner in heaven?

You might have asked about me and Brent and would we be ok?
 I will not know if this is how your first day into heaven took place, as long as I am here and you are there. But I wonder about it.

I have a recurring dream about you all the time. I have only told a few people about it.  I am walking through a beautiful forest, really big towering trees. There is a great deal of light and the birds are singing. In the dream I can hear the soft thud of my sneakers on the forest floor, all of a sudden you are standing in front of me. In my dream you are exactly as you were on earth, still have the cherub face , big brown eyes, kind smile and you are still ten. ( I always wonder if you are still 10 or if you age and continue to grow in heaven like you would have on earth)

You sound just the same, ( I can't quite remember the exact sound of  your voice when I am awake on earth but I hear it in my dreams and always know it is you) You yell "Mommy !!!!" just like you always did when I would arrive home and throw your arms around me. I can smell your wonderful little boy smell, I breathe it in and let it fill me. You then lead me down a path to a little cottage. "I live here" you tell me.

It is perfect, I can never remember exactly what it looks like when I am awake only certain parts, like the cupboard of swirly light that contains every book that has ever been written and will be written. You show me the kitchen that has just what you want when you want it, When I express amazement, you look at me like I have three heads, " This is HEAVEN Mommy!, of course it is amazing" You show me your bedroom and  I remember the bright finger paint pots sitting on the white dresser.

We go for a walk and soon we are on a beach, there are many children and you run to play with them, I hear someone call my name.

I turn around and I see a man approaching me, I know him but I have never seen him before. His voice is soft and gentle, and he has soft brown hair and a beard. He hugs me and all I can feel is happiness. He looks at me sadly and tells me he is sorry I had to go through the pain of losing you. Until he says that I forgot you had died. This place is so real , but yet so surreal, I had forgotten that I had ever hurt at all.  All I feel here is joy. Everything is so vivid, the smells, the color and the ever present light that does not seem to fade as the hours pass. The man goes on to explain that there are some things that are not meant to happen but when they do, they must run the full course. Your death was one of those things.  When I am awake, I think of this sentence a lot, It never makes sense to me in my waking hours. While I am asleep and having the dream, I understand what he means completely.
As I said in my dream I know the man , and when I am awake I can only come to one conclusion, I must be talking with Jesus.
 He tells me I am not done yet, that there are things I must do. I do not belong in this place just yet. He tells me that I will have more unhappiness on earth but great joy too. He says I am only just beginning to be who I am meant to be and that all I have gone through has been to shape me. He tells me he loves me and that I matter. I listen and understand everything he is telling me. It is like being here has given me a knowledge I normally don't have.

 We watch you silently for a minute and I try to absorb every sight. I hear your giggle as you play and I murmur , " I don't want to leave him".

Jesus smiles, and places his hand on my shoulder. "He will never even know you are gone. Time is different here. A  few minutes here is years on earth. I will make sure he never notices your absence. By the time he thinks to wonder where you are, you will be right in this spot waiting for him. You must wake up now, I cannot allow you stay any longer. You have a life and a path you must complete."

He moves to stand in front of me blocking my view, he tilts my chin so I must look directly into his piercing eyes, "Wake up now."

I pop awake and sit up looking around. For a second I think I can hear waves and children laughing. Then the dream is completely gone. It always is, I always seem to have a wonderful day after I dream this particular dream. At some point during the day , the dream will come rushing back to me and I remember where I spent the night. I am always a little sad when I remember, I wish I had hugged you more and asked Jesus more questions. I worry I wont dream of you the same way again.

I dream this same dream about once a month. I hope I have it many more times. On the 15th please dont feel bad if you look down on me and I am having a bad day , I will try not to be a wreak , but I cant promise. I will think of you though  I always do , I love you and miss you my little Christopher until I can dream of you again.
 Love mommy

Time to wake up

 Sorry I have not posted in a while, I have had a lot going on and truthfully I think I have had a little writers block as well.

One thing I learned this summer is that I must learn how to relax and not hold stuff in. The worst part was I thought I was relaxing. Summer time brings a lot of mixed feelings for me.  One part joy and one part sadness, as it always ends with an anniversary I would rather forget.

I thought I was dealing pretty well. I was wrong, I am finding out that I am wrong a lot lately. It is very disconcerting. I usually spend summer on my deck enjoying the sunshine and reading a book, watching the waves of the ocean as I have an awesome view. I spend time with friends and time on my friend Neva's houseboat.  Towards the end of summer comes the anniversary of my son's death. That day I kind of go into myself and just try to deal. But for the most part I do enjoy summer.

 This summer was different and I hadn't even noticed. However, when things are off and you ignore them sooner or later the universe will make you listen, take notice and force you to make a change. It will send you little signals at first. Then it will up the stakes. If you still haven't paid attention it will send you a big message, and not one you are going to enjoy.

 I guess my first signal started with how I felt, I haven't felt great for a while now, just little aches and pains here and there. Then I started getting headaches, annoying but manageable. The headaches started turning into migraines and still I did not question why?

 Had I taken a second to think about it I would have seen my stress level was through the roof.  On the rare occasions that I actually did the things that made summer so nice for me, I felt better. But I wasn't sitting on my deck or walking the beach or any of the other things that I love to do, the things I need to do to relax. I was too busy worrying about money and paying bills, and I don't mean just a little worry, I mean tossing and turning all night , thinking about it constantly worry.

 The headaches are caused by gritting my teeth, I tend to bite down when things are tough, the more stress I have, the more I bite down . I don't even know I am doing it. Until my head feels like it  is about to explode from the pressure. It is s symptom that I wasn't paying attention too at all.

I was about to get the biggest wake up call possible. In the back of an ambulance.

Fast forward to Wednesday night. I had a very stressful day at work, due to some issues on my internet providers side I could not stay in my vpn , and was getting kicked out of the system. The problem actually started a few days before, and we just could not find the problem. Working from home is different that working in an office. In an office if something is wrong the tech fixes it, but from home , your boss has no idea if there really is a malfunction or if you are just trying to get out of working. After hours of remote sessions on team viewer with the tech scrolling through all of my systems and then more hours with the tech getting fed up and calling my internet provider and hearing there were no issues , I was beginning to feel like they were thinking I was just trying to get out of working. This makes me panic a bit, because I am the main breadwinner. Losing my job right now would be disastrous. My husband recently lost his high paying job, my job is the only big source of income right now, and trust me its not really a very big source.

 After my shift I was having trouble letting the frustration of the day go, we ate supper and I sat down to read some emails, I had received an unpleasant one about a bill that is past due (story of my life lately) I pulled out my purse and took out the money I had saved for this very bill ,  How I have teeth left is beyond me I was biting down so hard. I was doing some calculating , and I knew we were going to come up short.

At this point I believe I had words with my husband but I honestly don't remember, Because now I couldn't breathe, and my chest hurt and my arm and oh my god my head!

My husband said I was grey, He tried to rub my back and he could feel my heart pounding through my back. I took my inhaler and tried to calm down but I was shaky and felt like I was going to throw up. I sent a text to my friend Lori , could she bring a blood pressure cuff from the fire hall and just come and check my pressure?  Its a good thing there were no cops in Riverport that night, I am pretty sure she broke the speed barrier getting to my house.

 I don't remember the exact number but my pressure was 165 over some other high number. Not good. My son called 911 and  my fire dept (of which I am a member) was sent out to my home,(now I am embarrassed and still trying not to pass out) along with the EMT and the ambulance. I was fine I said , I was sure it was just a panic attack, No I did not want to go to the hospital. The EMT and Lori and my husband conferred. Nope I was not going to to win this one, They believed I was having a heart attack. My husband made the final call, hospital it is. So I get carried out of my home on a gurney. At this point I should have been telling myself to wake up, and start listening, but nooo, I wasn't done being stubborn.

To make a long story short after several hours on an ECG machine I was informed that they needed more tests. These tests would not take place until morning and I was going to miss work. And then my stupidity kicked in. Miss work? after yesterdays fiasco???? Never going to happen. I was really really scared of losing my job. And I was not thinking clearly. I insisted that I was fine and I was going home. I signed my self out against medical advise.
STUPID
Yes I am proclaiming to the whole internet world I am a stupid woman.

Did I have a heart attack? I don't know. Possibly. I can tell you this, my husband and friends are livid with me and they are right.
But I am listening now to my body. I am starting this very day to take measures to calm down. There are things beyond my control. And if this happens again and I am lucky enough to survive it. I will stay in the hospital until they tell me I can go. I have never worried about my health before, I never even thought about it. I must start looking after myself. If I don't I am going to die.

I am already finding out that unwinding the spring that is me is not going to be so easy. I can no longer hold in a years worth of pissed off, I have to let it go. It will be a learning process. Being stubborn has got me through a lot, but it is no longer serving me. It is time to admit I cannot handle everything on my own.  For now I think I will start with some of the things I used to enjoy, like simple things like sitting on my deck, going for a walk and reading a book.  I am also going to call my doctor and make an appointment.

I am sharing this with you, because I am not the only person to deny that they are way over stressed. Don't do what I did. I was lucky I didn't end up dead. You might not be so lucky. If your life is stressful don't wait until you are in the back of an ambulance to do something about it. And if you do find yourself on that ride, Please listen to your doctor.

By the way , yesterday I found out that my tech had 100% determined the computer issue was not on my end. So denying my self medical care, was all for nothing. Stupid. I am a really Stupid woman.

Joy

  So last night we had one of our impromptu gatherings. We have a lot of those here in the summer. It varies where we go to have them. Last year it was at my house. This year it seems to be at our friend Lori's home as it is more centrally located, next year? who knows?

 So we gathered on Lori's deck, and sat down to chat. Mother nature has been putting us through our paces, blistering hot one day, then days of rain. Yesterday was the same as everyday this week, pouring rain through the night and morning then blistering hot weather in the afternoon followed by fog and wind in the early evening.

Yesterdays "hot" session had been a little too much and was sufficient to drive us all out doors. So we are sitting there chatting watching the fog roll in, for some reason we did not sit on the deck chairs on the deck. we just sat on the huge sprawling stair case that lead up to the deck. If we had sat on the deck chairs we never would have thought to do what we did next.

It started because Lori was walking back in forth in front of the stairs, on the grass in her sock feet, You could tell by the look in her eyes, and the way she looked down at the grass that she really just wanted to take those socks off and feel the grass between her toes. But at that particular second, she was too firmly stuck in her adult self.  After a few seconds of listening to the rest of us coaxing, she did take them off and you could see right away that part of the adult was suppressed and by the twinkle in her eye, some of her inner kid was out. 

 In a few minuets, Lori and Suzanne were doing cart wheels on the front lawn and laughing their heads off  as the rest of us sat and watched and laughed. Lori's home is built on top of a hill, the next thing both girls had run down the hill and were running around in circles with their arms out airplane style shouting "WEEEEEE!!!"

When they came back up, they were out of breath and all smiles, But they weren't done. As I said Lori's house was built at the top of the hill so most of her front lawn is hill, with the top of the hill being made up of a second smaller steeper hill. There are stone steps that go up the steeper part and the the wooden steps which are attached to the house that we were sitting on .

This is actually a picture part of Lori's front yard, so you get the idea. Lori wanted to roll down the steeper part, but then froze, "I cant do that" she said,  Yep looks like she is slowly coming back to full adult. 

 " I will!!" Craig our fire chief, who is very adventurous and loves to have fun ran down the steps , He laid down on his back and then rolled down the hill. When he got to the bottom, for a second he didn't move then we noticed he was laughing, the kind of laugh that starts all the way down in your toes, and just bubbles up that you cant stop. He was dizzy and once he was able to stand up he said " That was FUN! everyone should do that!!" 

 Two seconds later Lori and Suzanne had done the same with the same result. Lori came running up , " Come on Angie, " She said " I will do it again if you will!"

That was really all I needed. I was off those steps in two seconds flat.  

As I laid down on the grass and looked up at the sky a funny thing occurred, I realized I had not laid on the grass and looked at the sky from that perspective since I was ten years old. Why do we stop doing things like that when we grow up?

The next thing I knew I was rolling down the hill. Now I am a big girl, so I picked up some speed, I had to stop myself before I got hurt so I put my elbows out and managed to stop. But while I was spinning down the hill, everything just spun away, there was no work. no responsibility, no bills , no paperwork, no stress, there was just pure unencumbered joy.

 I am not sure why nature takes away the inclination to do silly things like that when we grow up. But let me tell you, Craig is right . Everyone should do that! Children know something we as adults do not. They know how to let everything go and just be joyful.  Most of the time we are so busy getting through life we forget simple pleasures like rolling down a hill.

Once I stopped laughing and the world stopped moving ( I was very dizzy) We went back to our normal grown up selves.  For just a few moments though, we had recaptured our childhood selves and just had fun.  In the end only two of us didn't take the plunge down the hill. But that's OK, maybe they will next time.

If you get a chance to roll down a grassy hill, please go for it. I am pretty sure you haven't done that since you were little. It really is  very fun. Everyone should try it!