Good Karma

I am sorry I have been a little lax in posting lately, The truth is there are times that I want to write but I think to myself that I don't have anything interesting enough for anyone else but me to read. So when life is very quiet and boring you won't get to hear from me very much.

But Sunday life in our little bubble changed for the better. I met and fell in love with a tiny puppy at a friends house, I went to visit her a few times and each time I knew I wanted to bring her home with me. So last  Sunday we went and picked her up and brought her home.

Baby Karma

She is a 12 week old black valley bull /pit mix.  Her name is Karma.   I have not had a puppy in my home since my children were very small.  I have never lived anywhere that allowed dogs in that time. So we always had cats instead.   We still do, So now we are a 2 cat one dog family. I had forgotten how much fun and how much frustration having a puppy can be.

We started right away teaching her how we want her to behave, it is very possible she may take after her father Oden who is a very very large dog. So in that event I think it is important to make sure she has manners and is the kind of dog that we can be sure wont hurt anyone accidentally or intentionally.

The first thing we taught her was sit, and she had already learned that a bit from her previous family, stay is a bit harder for her but she is getting it.  We work with her constantly , rewarding her when she does really well. She does really well most of the time. She is a very smart little thing. I am not the only one who is teaching her, Sophie and Storm are teaching her as well.

When we brought her home, the cats expressed their feelings in their own way, Sophie was more curious, and Storm was very unsure and a bit annoyed. He let out a very deep growl and she heard him loud and clear, she backed off and stayed away.  I don't know how much animals understand one another, but I am pretty sure they understand each other way better than we do. Karma must have understood that Storm didn't think much of her because a few minutes later when he decided to exit the room and jumped off his chair she screamed and hid. After that though he tried to get to know her a bit, and decided he doesn't like her and still growls at her when she gets too close.

Storm the night he met Karma, this is not his pleased face.

Sophie has decided that she will have to  teach this little puppy who is invading her world that she will just have to learn to behave like a proper cat.  It might be because Karma has also rapidly become attached to me as her main person. I lead her pack in her mind so she is always near me and watching everything I do. This is a good thing because it has made it easier to train her and she is doing very well. Sophie has always stayed right next to me too, So for that last few days I have observed her with Karma, I am not sure what she is saying to Karma, but Karma is willing to share her toys and her food with simply a look from Sophie and sometimes a little swat if she doesn't listen right away. She plays with her by batting after her tail and then running away so Karma will chase her, then she turns around and chases Karma, they will do this until they fall down tired or one or the other gets bored.

Storm on the other hand has kind of gone into anti social mode. So we decided to leave him be a bit, and see if he adjusts.  Karma showed me that she knows more about what storm thinks of her then I thought.

A day or two after we brought her home, I became worried because she hadn't pooped for 24 hours.  When we take her out we take those little bags with us to pick up the poop to throw away. I don't want doggie doo all over my yard. So I ask John boy, has she pooped when you take her, he said no. So I call the vet and am told, if there is nothing by tomorrow bring her in.  So about an hour later I venture into my living room to dust and tidy up a bit. The living room is where storm has set up his formal protest of Karma, behind the curtain. We don't really use our living room much,  Our sun room which I have claimed for my office has a couch and chairs  its cozy and has a fantastic view of the ocean, Also you can smoke out there, so it tends to be the place where we spend our time,  It might be days before we go into the living room.

There on the floor in front of the exact spot where Storm is hiding were 6 little messages from Karma apparently she wasn't  pooping for me or John because she was sneaking into the living room when we weren't looking. She is a quick little bugger, in a perfect semi circle right around the spot where Storm was hiding were her doggie bombs, clearly she knew exactly what Storm thought of her and she wanted him to know exactly  what she thinks of him. We don't get upset when Karma has an accident, it happens, but this, this really didnt look accidental, while I was cleaning it up she was as low as she could get when she approached me, which tells me she knew she had done a bad thing, Seeing I did not see her make the mess, it was too late to try and correct her, so instead we barricaded her out of the living room so she does not have access, storm and Sophie can go in there as they please but Karma can't, So no more doggie hate mail.

The good thing is she is very smart and I like that, I also think she is going to change our world for the better and I like that too.

Oh boy I can watch people outside

Here is a little video of Karma sitting for a treat.

The monster under the bed

If you have been reading my blog at all, you know I have two beloved kitties named Sophie and Storm. They bring us unending joy, snuggles love and laughter.

 We have had Miss Sophie since she was 10 weeks old, She is beautiful half manx white calico. Her mommy had no tail and none of her brothers or sister did either, for some unknown reason she was born with a tail, She was so beautiful when we first saw her I couldn't help but bring her home. She has been brought up to believe she is a princess ever since.  She is the smartest cat I have ever seen. She has even taught herself to fetch like a dog. She is also the most loyal creature I have ever met. A trait of manx cats is they tend to choose one person in their family to claim as their person. Miss Sophie has chosen me. She never leaves my side.  Never. I can't even go to the bath room with out her, when I leave the house she waits by the door until I get home. Sometimes she falls asleep and does not see me leave the room when she wakes up she cries until she finds me. She is a little needy. She also does not sleep like a cat. She sleeps on her back , or stretched out on her tummy with all her feet straight out from her body.

 If Sophie was a human she would probably be the female equivalent of Sheldon on The Big Bang Theory.

 Even though we have had the same bed for her whole life, the night before last night Sophie noticed there was an under the bed. When she noticed this, she decided there was also a monster under the bed.

 It was about one in the morning, John boy and I had been in bed for about a half an hour. I was almost asleep , but not quite there. It was a pretty normal evening, we spent it watching movies on Netflix and relaxing when we went to bed, the kitties did their usual routine. They came to bed with us, they seem to have an rule whichever makes it to the best first, sleeps at the foot of the bed. The other takes the floor. We are not sure why they do this but they do it every night. Before they settle though, they need their cuddles, then they go to their respective places to sleep. Last night Storm got the bed first, and with a bit of an annoyed flick of her tail, Sophie got some love and left the bed.

 We are not sure what scared her so badly, John boy thinks it was him moving his feet. All we know if there was a loud scramble and scratching on the hard wood floor.

 It was so loud John and I both thought that Storm had jumped down and was picking a fight with his sister. I turned on the light to see Storm blinking sleepily at me on the end of the bed. Sophie how ever was puffed up twice her normal size and was carefully approaching the space under our bed. Her eyes were as big as saucers and she was terrified.

 If you have a cat you have probably seen the whole jump four feet in the air thing cats do when the encounter something strange for the first time.  Our first thought was that there was actually something under the bed. I made john check because the idea of a large spider or a mouse in bed with me was not appealing.  John checked and  swore there was nothing there. The light was turned off and we attempted to sleep. John succeeded but I did not.

 Sophie would not calm down, she kept approaching the bed and then scrambling away across the hardwood floor as fast as she could go.  I am 40 years old, I outgrew monsters long ago. BUT this was not normal even for Miss Sophie.

  I finally could not take it any more , my imagination was running wild on me , she was freaking me out and all sorts of nut job stuff was going through my head, everything from large snakes to big mice and the worst was big spiders, We can get really big ones here. Our second night in this house one very large one ran across our bedroom floor it was so big I thought it was a mouse when I saw it out of the corner of my eye. John had trouble squishing it, because it was so large.  I really have issues with eight legged creatures. Doesn't matter how tiny they are I can't handle them and big ones terrify me.

 Sophie was so upset but she wasn't backing down. Finally she managed to crawl halfway under the bed and stayed there for 5 minutes hissing. Yep I wasn't going to sleep...I don't have an internal off switch like John boy. He sleeps through everything. While this was happening he didn't hear a thing. It was freaking me out, even if it is all in her head, Sophie thinks there is a monster under my bed. And that is enough for me. I got up, yanked Sophie out from under the bed and headed to the kitchen, I went to the bathroom and gave my self a pep talk in the mirror. At 2 am in the dark, things are never what they seem especially when you have a freaked out cat telling you something is off.

 Sophie had already headed back to the bedroom determined to do battle with whatever had freaked her out. I went in and got her again, and did my best to calm her down. I made some popcorn and watched a few episodes of Raising Hope with her clinging to my lap. After about and hour and half she seemed calmed down and I was able to go back to bed. The rest of the night I kept having nightmares of things crawling out from under our bed skirt and crawling over me. Every time I woke up there was Sophie still trying to figure out what was under the bed.

 Once morning came she was still no better, I didn't have time to investigate further. I woke up late and was almost late to log in for work. With me stationary in the office Sophie abandoned her quest and joined me in her usual space at work right beside me.

 On my break I decided to find out what was under there. I went into my bedroom armed with a broom and a can of raid... Just in case. I lifted the bed skirt with care and shone a flashlight under there. I discovered Sophie's monster. There it was among several dust bunnies..... a sock. There was nothing else under there. As I pulled it out to show it to my poor neurotic cat, she ran away. She still wont go back in the bedroom. She will get over it. And I had a good giggle over how I let her make me lose my mind for a night. 

 I wouldn't trade my crazy silly kitty for anything. 

Hand made by me, No two are alike

A few posts back I mentioned in the ABC's of me that I like to make things. To say I am crafty would be a bit of an understatement. I have always done this from the time I was a small child. I have tried almost everything, from painting to building things out of wood, from jewelry making to sewing. Some items are a success, some (like the sewing) not so much.

 My poor husband is always being forced to listen to me prattle on about the new thing I have just got to try, and sometimes finds him self being "voluntold" to help. (Voluntold is like volunteering, except you really have no choice) He is good about it though and only complains once in a while, actually for the most part he seems very proud of my work and often shares my creations with his friends and family.

 I do make a small profit from the things I create, and that justifies me making more, Thank goodness, because I could never afford to make these things just for me and I could never have a home big enough to display them.

 Last year while looking for a new project to try I happened upon a picture of a beautiful detailed snowflake. It caught my attention and I wanted to know how it was made. I learned that it had been made by hand completely out of paper. I was instantly consumed with a need to learn how to do this myself. After doing a little research I found out it was called paper filigree or Quilling.

 I had never heard of it. I asked some of my crafty friends and they hadn't either. So I did more research and found out that Quilling is an almost dead art that was popular in the 16th and 17th century among young ladies who at the time were not allowed to go outside their home with out a male escort.  Looking for a ladylike pastime, they came up with the idea of rolling  strips of paper on a quill and forming them into spirals and designs that they glued together to make designs and pictures or to decorate objects in their homes. The result is quite beautiful. Over time, most people forgot about it and most of the pieces have not survived the test of time. There are a few museum pieces though. Here is one for you too see.

This is a jewelry box that was quilled by a young lady in 1798.

After listening to me babble on about wanting to learn more about how to do this myself, John boy bought me a quilling kit off of the internet for my birthday. Quilling is making a small comeback and there are places on the internet where you can buy supplies. The best part is that they are very inexpensive and that is right up my alley.

So I began to learn and through some trial and error I came up with some of my own snowflakes. I have been making quite a few for Christmas craft shows and for our own tree. Quilling is not limited to ornaments you can make just about anything with it. The surprising thing is although they look very delicate, they are surprisingly strong once glued together or onto something. 

It is nice to make something that no one else is making . That is the biggest problem with making items to sell, too many people try to copy your items and then there is no market for them. 

Here are a few pictures of some of my snowflakes, I hope you enjoy

I have used both white paper and hologram paper although the hologram paper doesn't show up well in the picture.

This one I just finished this morning

Well, I hoped you enjoyed learning about this ancient art and I encourage you to try creating something new today,It doesn't have to be quilling, it can be anything, making something by hand is a wonderful way to relieve stress and gives you a reason to turn off the tv and the computer. It is very relaxing and good for your soul. Have a great day and Happy creating!

Happy October

Well the one of my favorite months of the year has arrived, I began this post yesterday because I thought it was October 1, for most of the day lol. But I happened to glance at the date in the bottom corner of my screen while I was writing and saw it was only the 30th. So I decided to wait until today to finish.

Happy October!

The thing I love about this month is there is a lot to do, October brings cooler weather, but not so cold that you are freezing, The leaves start to change color, and everything is so beautiful. There is absolutely nothing like going for a walk late in an October afternoon and feeling the crisp air on your face and seeing nothing but beauty for miles around. Everything about October is nice, It smells different, it feels different and things seem to settle a bit in October. In September, the kids are just heading back to school and most people are trying to adjust. But once October comes, everyone is settled and used to going to school again and doing homework, life takes on that easy pace everyone loves. It is darker earlier too, which although is not a great plus it always makes me feel cozy inside my home.  

 One of the greatest things about October for me this year is Thanksgiving! My son Brent will be home from university for the weekend and we will be having a colossal meal while he is here. Turkey and all the trimmings, his favorite apple pie, and my favorite pumpkin. We will eat too much and and just enjoy the fact that he is all ours for a whole weekend! We will give thanks for all our blessings and the biggest blessing will be that our family is together.

 After Thanksgiving comes Halloween, for a couple of years I avoided Halloween because without fail, it reminded me that Chris was young enough to still love dressing up and trick or treating when he died. In the last two years though, I have been embracing it slowly once again, he loved it and I shouldn't stop enjoying it because he isn't here. This year I am really in a Halloween mood, I want to decorate and hand out treats, in fact I can't wait to transform my home and yard.  I can't wait to see the children of the neighborhood in all their wonderful costumes out in the area begging for candy and treats, There will be haunted houses set up to scare the kids in fun and there will be corn mazes to navigate and before the end of the month all of the summer clothing will go away,replaced with sweaters, warm coats and flip flops will be a distant fond memory. Visiting family and friends will be abundant and the food, oh my goodness the food.. There will be A LOT of food. Pumpkins both carved and whole will be on most everyone's front steps.

October is the gate way that sends us onto the path for winter, but its not winter yet so I intend to enjoy this month to the fullest.

 There are also a lot of events this month, Fire prevention week is October 6 to 12th, if you haven't checked the batteries in your smoke detectors and made a fire plan with your families now is the time. And if you do not have smoke detectors in your home.. get some. For just a few dollars it could save your life and your home if the worst occurs. To learn more about fire prevention in your home, contact your local fire department or visit Fire Prevention Canada.

  

I also read this morning that October is Brain Tumor Awareness month. One of my friends has been diagnosed with this terrible disease and it has totally changed her world, she often blogs about her journey and the changes in her life. She is funny and strong and she is a fighter, You can read about her journey here on her blog, Tumor Rumor .You can also check out the Canadian Brain Tumor site and make a donation or learn more or volunteer to help raise awareness.

Another great event in October is The Run for the Cure as October is breast cancer awareness month, this is taking place in Halifax on October 6th but in other city's it may fall on another date. You can learn more and find out how to get involved by visiting the Breast Cancer Awareness website. It is a great cause that effects so many women, we need to do all we can to find a cure.

 There will also be many craft fairs and festivals and farmers markets, as the harvests are brought in and people slowly start to think about planning for Christmas.

 I hope you enjoy this month, I know I will, may you find yourself blessed beyond measure this fall. 

Housework Blues

So John boy bought me what is arguably the worst gift ever... A sponge mop. Now before we send out the lynching crew, he was trying to make life easier for the both of us. We like many households share the chores. there are not many jobs in my house that fall only to one or the other... Except the garbage. John Boy does that because in between pick ups it is kept in the basement, and I don't do basements, ever.

 So back to my story. Most people who have floors that need to be cleaned belong to one of four camps or maybe a combo of one or two. 1) String mop
                                                     2) sponge mop
                                                     3) hand scrubbing
                                                     4) wash the floors?? I didn't know they were washable...

I am a string mop gal and when all else fails , hand scrub the crap out of it,  But the truth is I am bad at it. I am not a good sweeper and always seem to leave something behind, So I use the string mop , I like it because I can throw the head in the washer when I am done and its all clean again, John hates it, and he is a great floor washer, he never leaves anything behind.. So he brought this thing home very proud of himself, And this morning I decided to test it out...

Yeah stupid idea, it did clean the floors but I had to go over everything twice as much, going back to my string mop for sure.

So now that you have read the most boring post ever, about cleaning floors no less, I am done venting, and the truth is , John really was trying to be nice, he thought it would make life easier so rather that bitch at him and make him feel bad, I thought I would vent here.

The truth is life is pretty good if all I have to complain about is a sponge mop.

Attitude of Gratitude

Sometimes when things aren't going right it is easy to sink into a sea of "why me? " I admit I have been guilty of this many times. And then I read something online. I can't remember the exact wording, but it went something like, Happy people don't have the best of everything, but are thankful for what they do have. Its not exact wording but you get the point.

 It made me think, when was the last time I said thank you? I may have had some tough times , but I am very very blessed. I have wonderful children and a husband who adores me no matter what, I have amazing friends who brighten my day and always welcome me no matter what. I have a beautiful home which I love, in place that is like no where else on earth. Perhaps if I was grateful, the petty little things that bother me would not be so bothersome anymore.

So I began to make a list of all the things I was truly grateful for, I expected it to be pretty short, but it turns out I filled 3 pages single spaced. And I could have filled three more. Once I completed that little exercise, My whole attitude had changed. I felt wonderful. So I have begun to do this everyday and the change in my world has been amazing. The biggest change is I am finally relaxed, being grateful for EVERYTHING you have has that effect.  It is easy to be thankful for big things, but when was the last time you flicked a light switch and thought to yourself, I am so grateful that we have electricity, imagine life with out it.. Try it for a few days, Its an easy habit to get into. And it tends to rub off on your family members too. My husband has now started telling me what he is grateful for each day, and when he does he is always amazed at all the things he has to be thankful for.

When you are thankful for what you have, no matter how small or seemingly insignificant, the things you don't have seem to either seem very trivial , or suddenly there they are just for you. More about that later..

Thank you for reading

Now what???

I am sorry I haven't  written for so long, August was a flurry of activity trying to get my son Brent all ready to go off to university. The month went so fast, that before I knew it it was over and my baby was all moved out.

Brent was accepted into the only school he wanted. Acadia University. It is not far away, only an hour and a half drive, so at first I wasn't worried about him being there and not here. Like most parents I spent his early years just enjoying his cuteness, and thinking that university was soooo far away, Once he reached teenager status there were many days university could not come soon enough. But as the days ticked down in August to the 31st, the day he would actually go, I found myself wishing I could slow things down.

So the day came, we started early and were there just after 10 am. He was whisked away to begin "get to know you" frosh stuff and we went on a tour of the campus, It is impressive, its like a little town all in its self. We got to watch his matriculation ceremony and then we were headed home. I did at least get to give him a hug and kiss before we left. He was so excited, and he was ready for us to leave.

Once we were home it was so strange to see his empty room, and the house is so quiet. For a few days it was almost nice to have it be so quiet. But as the days pass I am beginning to realize a few things,

The first is, we don't watch tv. That big expensive 46 inch plasma flat screen my husband had to have a few years ago has only been turned on once since Brent left. The second is I cannot cook for two people. I have thrown more food away since he left. I also did not realize how much stuff I bought at the grocery store mainly for my kid, like the giant jug of peanut butter that would only last a few days now sits a waste in my cupboard.

 I didn't even notice how much of my day was spent mothering until I had no one to mother. I miss him most in the evenings, A lot of my routine was based around him, making meals , just chatting with him, with out the activity of having him come home for the day and tell me all about his day and then go play his guitar , there is a large part of my day missing.

 Our contact is now relegated to text message and the occasional phone call. He is a busy boy with studies and his new found job. I am having trouble being busy enough. I was used to the routine with him, Now my routine is all messed up, Case in point, a few days ago, my husband arrived home from his job and was tired, as I had not started supper yet, he decided to have a nap, just a half an hour. I was a bit sleepy too and decided to join him. We both fell asleep and didn't wake up until 3:45 am. I cooked supper at 4 o'clock in the morning. Little things like that that never would have happened had Brent still been home.

No one is to blame, I just have to adjust to having lost the longest job I ever held, 19 years of being full time caretaker to my wonderful boy. I will learn to manage without him, probably just in time for him to come home in the summer.

I think the biggest thing is I miss him, more than I thought I would. But I am so pleased for him as well, He has his whole future ahead of him and if he does everything he needs to, no doors will be closed for him and that is a wonderful feeling, and well worth my being a little lost.

The ABC's of Me

Have you ever played the ABC game? The game where you call out the letters of the alphabet in order and say a word that starts with the letter you have been given until someone gets stuck. I am in a silly mood today and thought I would help you get to know me a little better by playing this little game, Here she goes, The ABC's of me..

A is for Angie,  why that is me who knew?

B is for Brent, he is my son and my pride and joy also the bane of my existence some days. He will soon be headed to Acadia University in a few short weeks, I will face an empty nest..

C is for Christopher, My youngest son born Feb 19, 1998 in the middle of a blizzard and ice storm, He passed away Aug 15 2008, life has never been the same without him.

D is for determination, I am the most determined person I know when I set my mind to it.

E is for Exasperation, I am also a very exasperating person at times.

F is for friendship, I have been blessed with a multitude of amazing friends, These are the people I go to for everything , comfort companionship, and to be silly with and to vent and share new ideas, Heather,Lori, Andrea and Andrea, ( there are two), The Janets (also two) Kelly,Laureen ,Jackie , Kim, Denise, Derek, Dylan, Jeffery , Adam and Cody, with out all of you in my life I would be much less than I am today, Thank you so much.

G is for giving, it is a quality I am always trying to improve on in myself.

H is for handmade. I am always creating jewelry and other items because I love to.

I  is for ice cream, Ha HA (you were thinking it, you know it and so do I) I LOOOOOVVVEEEE, this stuff , sadly it does not like me, I am lactose intolerant and it hurts my belly, but it does not stop me trying to eat it.

J is for 2 Janets and a John, Janet one is a friend for many years, she is an amazing woman, She can do ANYTHING, and I mean anything. Jay as we call her, showed up at my house once right after I found myself single. Was she there to comfort me, NOPE she wanted to show me how to check my oil. Amazing, Jay also always remembers my youngest son loved sunflowers and always posts one where I can see and mentions him on his anniversary date. Janet number two is a new friend in my life, but boy oh boy she is amazing too, she has had a pretty rough go herself, but I am in awe of her, she always says something to me that is just what I needed to hear.  John, well that is my husband, and he is perfect. everyone has a soul mate and he is mine.

K is for daily acts of kindness, I am not always successful ,but I do try to be kind whenever I can.

L is for Law of attraction, the belief that you can bring anything about in your own life, It just takes practice and patience.

M is for Max, my oldest son , whom I placed for adoption when he was 5 days old. I was 17. We were reunited a couple of years ago. He is a wonderful young man who is about to make me a Nana, in January.

N is for nut, I am called this a lot although I have no idea why...

O is for ocean , I live beside the Atlantic ocean and until I moved here I didn't know that once I arrived I would become one of those people who needs it in their lives, to see it, swim in it, and play in it. I can not imagine a life where it is not in view .

P is Parsons, My family name. I just became a Parsons a year ago, being a member of this wonderful family has given me love, peace and joy. I am very proud to have this name.

Q is for quilling. I love this ancient and almost forgotten art. Maybe someday soon I will share some of my work with you.

R is for reading. I devour books, When I find one I like, I am known to read it again and again over the years. books and reading give me the chance to explore places and be someone totally different. I could not live with out books.

S is for Sophie and Storm, these are my furry babies , my cats . Sophie is a long haired white calico half manx and she is full of attitude. She is also the most loyal creature ever. She never leaves my side even when I go to the washroom, she has to go with me. She taught herself to play fetch like a dog and thinks she is a princess, and she is right. Storm, storm is the baby, we got him a year ago after seeing an add on Kijiji. He is a beautiful grey and white tabby and is sweet, talkative and loving. . He is a real cuddle cat and loves to greet company. He also loves the water and is always trying to find out how to swim, I found out the hard way that he must be shut out of the bathroom when I take a bath.

T is for tomboy, I have always enjoyed boy things, trucks , 4 wheeling, playing in the dirt, hunting.  Now as I am older I embrace the more feminine side of me, more than the tomboy side.

U is for unique, no one can argue that I am anything but unique...

V is for virtual. I am a homebody. when I say that I mean if given a choice I would always choose home over anything else, So I work virtually, and see most of my friends virtually, thank god for the internet, if not for that invention I would have to work outside my home and wear something other than my jammies on a regular basis ..

W is for witch and water, why witch you ask? Well when it comes to snow, most of my friends swear I must be a snow witch. All I have to say is it will snow at this time and it does, my friend Lori will call me and say " ok my witchy friend can you stop making it snow now... PLEASE??"  What can I say ? I love the snow .Water, I love  to swim once I am in I am pretty difficult to get out, I should have been born with gills and fins.

X is for Xena Warrior Princess, In my fantasies I am just like her, confident, strong and beautiful, Then I wake up... perhaps I could rock a sword in a past life.

Y is for yoga, I am trying to master this , it will take some time, most people who enjoy yoga are slim and flexible, I am decidedly round and unflexible, this is new thing I am just learning so someday I might be able to twist myself into the positions but I am not there yet.

Z is for ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ I like millions of others snore, much to my husbands annoyance...

So there you have it the abc's of me. I am impressed with myself that I was able to find something for each letter that applied to me, feel free to share and challenge yourself to come up with the abc's  of you :)


P.s A few people have said to me that they would like to comment on my posts or share but don't know how, all you need is a gmail account, sign up for one and sign in and you can comment, as for sharing look to the bottom, there is a small, Facebook icon there and a twitter one too, feel free to share any of my posts you might like, I like hearing what you all think so feel free comment as often as you like to . Have a great day everyone.

Dear little angel

Dear little angel,
 As your 5 th anniversary into heaven approaches, you are always in my thoughts and on my mind. August 15 has become a dirty word ( or date ) to me, as it was the day you died here and were born into heaven.

I find myself wondering what is your new existence like? Is your arrival date like a birthday here on earth? Do you celebrate it and have birthday cake? Do you get to visit with god , and have chats with him. If I know you at all ( and I do), He would have been your first stop. I can imagine what that was like.  First you might have asked him to send you home. And if his answer was no, you would have wanted to know why. You would have then asked him about dinosaurs and what happened to them and where would you sleep? and lets not forget about dinner, Do they have dinner in heaven?

You might have asked about me and Brent and would we be ok?
 I will not know if this is how your first day into heaven took place, as long as I am here and you are there. But I wonder about it.

I have a recurring dream about you all the time. I have only told a few people about it.  I am walking through a beautiful forest, really big towering trees. There is a great deal of light and the birds are singing. In the dream I can hear the soft thud of my sneakers on the forest floor, all of a sudden you are standing in front of me. In my dream you are exactly as you were on earth, still have the cherub face , big brown eyes, kind smile and you are still ten. ( I always wonder if you are still 10 or if you age and continue to grow in heaven like you would have on earth)

You sound just the same, ( I can't quite remember the exact sound of  your voice when I am awake on earth but I hear it in my dreams and always know it is you) You yell "Mommy !!!!" just like you always did when I would arrive home and throw your arms around me. I can smell your wonderful little boy smell, I breathe it in and let it fill me. You then lead me down a path to a little cottage. "I live here" you tell me.

It is perfect, I can never remember exactly what it looks like when I am awake only certain parts, like the cupboard of swirly light that contains every book that has ever been written and will be written. You show me the kitchen that has just what you want when you want it, When I express amazement, you look at me like I have three heads, " This is HEAVEN Mommy!, of course it is amazing" You show me your bedroom and  I remember the bright finger paint pots sitting on the white dresser.

We go for a walk and soon we are on a beach, there are many children and you run to play with them, I hear someone call my name.

I turn around and I see a man approaching me, I know him but I have never seen him before. His voice is soft and gentle, and he has soft brown hair and a beard. He hugs me and all I can feel is happiness. He looks at me sadly and tells me he is sorry I had to go through the pain of losing you. Until he says that I forgot you had died. This place is so real , but yet so surreal, I had forgotten that I had ever hurt at all.  All I feel here is joy. Everything is so vivid, the smells, the color and the ever present light that does not seem to fade as the hours pass. The man goes on to explain that there are some things that are not meant to happen but when they do, they must run the full course. Your death was one of those things.  When I am awake, I think of this sentence a lot, It never makes sense to me in my waking hours. While I am asleep and having the dream, I understand what he means completely.
As I said in my dream I know the man , and when I am awake I can only come to one conclusion, I must be talking with Jesus.
 He tells me I am not done yet, that there are things I must do. I do not belong in this place just yet. He tells me that I will have more unhappiness on earth but great joy too. He says I am only just beginning to be who I am meant to be and that all I have gone through has been to shape me. He tells me he loves me and that I matter. I listen and understand everything he is telling me. It is like being here has given me a knowledge I normally don't have.

 We watch you silently for a minute and I try to absorb every sight. I hear your giggle as you play and I murmur , " I don't want to leave him".

Jesus smiles, and places his hand on my shoulder. "He will never even know you are gone. Time is different here. A  few minutes here is years on earth. I will make sure he never notices your absence. By the time he thinks to wonder where you are, you will be right in this spot waiting for him. You must wake up now, I cannot allow you stay any longer. You have a life and a path you must complete."

He moves to stand in front of me blocking my view, he tilts my chin so I must look directly into his piercing eyes, "Wake up now."

I pop awake and sit up looking around. For a second I think I can hear waves and children laughing. Then the dream is completely gone. It always is, I always seem to have a wonderful day after I dream this particular dream. At some point during the day , the dream will come rushing back to me and I remember where I spent the night. I am always a little sad when I remember, I wish I had hugged you more and asked Jesus more questions. I worry I wont dream of you the same way again.

I dream this same dream about once a month. I hope I have it many more times. On the 15th please dont feel bad if you look down on me and I am having a bad day , I will try not to be a wreak , but I cant promise. I will think of you though  I always do , I love you and miss you my little Christopher until I can dream of you again.
 Love mommy

Time to wake up

 Sorry I have not posted in a while, I have had a lot going on and truthfully I think I have had a little writers block as well.

One thing I learned this summer is that I must learn how to relax and not hold stuff in. The worst part was I thought I was relaxing. Summer time brings a lot of mixed feelings for me.  One part joy and one part sadness, as it always ends with an anniversary I would rather forget.

I thought I was dealing pretty well. I was wrong, I am finding out that I am wrong a lot lately. It is very disconcerting. I usually spend summer on my deck enjoying the sunshine and reading a book, watching the waves of the ocean as I have an awesome view. I spend time with friends and time on my friend Neva's houseboat.  Towards the end of summer comes the anniversary of my son's death. That day I kind of go into myself and just try to deal. But for the most part I do enjoy summer.

 This summer was different and I hadn't even noticed. However, when things are off and you ignore them sooner or later the universe will make you listen, take notice and force you to make a change. It will send you little signals at first. Then it will up the stakes. If you still haven't paid attention it will send you a big message, and not one you are going to enjoy.

 I guess my first signal started with how I felt, I haven't felt great for a while now, just little aches and pains here and there. Then I started getting headaches, annoying but manageable. The headaches started turning into migraines and still I did not question why?

 Had I taken a second to think about it I would have seen my stress level was through the roof.  On the rare occasions that I actually did the things that made summer so nice for me, I felt better. But I wasn't sitting on my deck or walking the beach or any of the other things that I love to do, the things I need to do to relax. I was too busy worrying about money and paying bills, and I don't mean just a little worry, I mean tossing and turning all night , thinking about it constantly worry.

 The headaches are caused by gritting my teeth, I tend to bite down when things are tough, the more stress I have, the more I bite down . I don't even know I am doing it. Until my head feels like it  is about to explode from the pressure. It is s symptom that I wasn't paying attention too at all.

I was about to get the biggest wake up call possible. In the back of an ambulance.

Fast forward to Wednesday night. I had a very stressful day at work, due to some issues on my internet providers side I could not stay in my vpn , and was getting kicked out of the system. The problem actually started a few days before, and we just could not find the problem. Working from home is different that working in an office. In an office if something is wrong the tech fixes it, but from home , your boss has no idea if there really is a malfunction or if you are just trying to get out of working. After hours of remote sessions on team viewer with the tech scrolling through all of my systems and then more hours with the tech getting fed up and calling my internet provider and hearing there were no issues , I was beginning to feel like they were thinking I was just trying to get out of working. This makes me panic a bit, because I am the main breadwinner. Losing my job right now would be disastrous. My husband recently lost his high paying job, my job is the only big source of income right now, and trust me its not really a very big source.

 After my shift I was having trouble letting the frustration of the day go, we ate supper and I sat down to read some emails, I had received an unpleasant one about a bill that is past due (story of my life lately) I pulled out my purse and took out the money I had saved for this very bill ,  How I have teeth left is beyond me I was biting down so hard. I was doing some calculating , and I knew we were going to come up short.

At this point I believe I had words with my husband but I honestly don't remember, Because now I couldn't breathe, and my chest hurt and my arm and oh my god my head!

My husband said I was grey, He tried to rub my back and he could feel my heart pounding through my back. I took my inhaler and tried to calm down but I was shaky and felt like I was going to throw up. I sent a text to my friend Lori , could she bring a blood pressure cuff from the fire hall and just come and check my pressure?  Its a good thing there were no cops in Riverport that night, I am pretty sure she broke the speed barrier getting to my house.

 I don't remember the exact number but my pressure was 165 over some other high number. Not good. My son called 911 and  my fire dept (of which I am a member) was sent out to my home,(now I am embarrassed and still trying not to pass out) along with the EMT and the ambulance. I was fine I said , I was sure it was just a panic attack, No I did not want to go to the hospital. The EMT and Lori and my husband conferred. Nope I was not going to to win this one, They believed I was having a heart attack. My husband made the final call, hospital it is. So I get carried out of my home on a gurney. At this point I should have been telling myself to wake up, and start listening, but nooo, I wasn't done being stubborn.

To make a long story short after several hours on an ECG machine I was informed that they needed more tests. These tests would not take place until morning and I was going to miss work. And then my stupidity kicked in. Miss work? after yesterdays fiasco???? Never going to happen. I was really really scared of losing my job. And I was not thinking clearly. I insisted that I was fine and I was going home. I signed my self out against medical advise.
STUPID
Yes I am proclaiming to the whole internet world I am a stupid woman.

Did I have a heart attack? I don't know. Possibly. I can tell you this, my husband and friends are livid with me and they are right.
But I am listening now to my body. I am starting this very day to take measures to calm down. There are things beyond my control. And if this happens again and I am lucky enough to survive it. I will stay in the hospital until they tell me I can go. I have never worried about my health before, I never even thought about it. I must start looking after myself. If I don't I am going to die.

I am already finding out that unwinding the spring that is me is not going to be so easy. I can no longer hold in a years worth of pissed off, I have to let it go. It will be a learning process. Being stubborn has got me through a lot, but it is no longer serving me. It is time to admit I cannot handle everything on my own.  For now I think I will start with some of the things I used to enjoy, like simple things like sitting on my deck, going for a walk and reading a book.  I am also going to call my doctor and make an appointment.

I am sharing this with you, because I am not the only person to deny that they are way over stressed. Don't do what I did. I was lucky I didn't end up dead. You might not be so lucky. If your life is stressful don't wait until you are in the back of an ambulance to do something about it. And if you do find yourself on that ride, Please listen to your doctor.

By the way , yesterday I found out that my tech had 100% determined the computer issue was not on my end. So denying my self medical care, was all for nothing. Stupid. I am a really Stupid woman.

Joy

  So last night we had one of our impromptu gatherings. We have a lot of those here in the summer. It varies where we go to have them. Last year it was at my house. This year it seems to be at our friend Lori's home as it is more centrally located, next year? who knows?

 So we gathered on Lori's deck, and sat down to chat. Mother nature has been putting us through our paces, blistering hot one day, then days of rain. Yesterday was the same as everyday this week, pouring rain through the night and morning then blistering hot weather in the afternoon followed by fog and wind in the early evening.

Yesterdays "hot" session had been a little too much and was sufficient to drive us all out doors. So we are sitting there chatting watching the fog roll in, for some reason we did not sit on the deck chairs on the deck. we just sat on the huge sprawling stair case that lead up to the deck. If we had sat on the deck chairs we never would have thought to do what we did next.

It started because Lori was walking back in forth in front of the stairs, on the grass in her sock feet, You could tell by the look in her eyes, and the way she looked down at the grass that she really just wanted to take those socks off and feel the grass between her toes. But at that particular second, she was too firmly stuck in her adult self.  After a few seconds of listening to the rest of us coaxing, she did take them off and you could see right away that part of the adult was suppressed and by the twinkle in her eye, some of her inner kid was out. 

 In a few minuets, Lori and Suzanne were doing cart wheels on the front lawn and laughing their heads off  as the rest of us sat and watched and laughed. Lori's home is built on top of a hill, the next thing both girls had run down the hill and were running around in circles with their arms out airplane style shouting "WEEEEEE!!!"

When they came back up, they were out of breath and all smiles, But they weren't done. As I said Lori's house was built at the top of the hill so most of her front lawn is hill, with the top of the hill being made up of a second smaller steeper hill. There are stone steps that go up the steeper part and the the wooden steps which are attached to the house that we were sitting on .

This is actually a picture part of Lori's front yard, so you get the idea. Lori wanted to roll down the steeper part, but then froze, "I cant do that" she said,  Yep looks like she is slowly coming back to full adult. 

 " I will!!" Craig our fire chief, who is very adventurous and loves to have fun ran down the steps , He laid down on his back and then rolled down the hill. When he got to the bottom, for a second he didn't move then we noticed he was laughing, the kind of laugh that starts all the way down in your toes, and just bubbles up that you cant stop. He was dizzy and once he was able to stand up he said " That was FUN! everyone should do that!!" 

 Two seconds later Lori and Suzanne had done the same with the same result. Lori came running up , " Come on Angie, " She said " I will do it again if you will!"

That was really all I needed. I was off those steps in two seconds flat.  

As I laid down on the grass and looked up at the sky a funny thing occurred, I realized I had not laid on the grass and looked at the sky from that perspective since I was ten years old. Why do we stop doing things like that when we grow up?

The next thing I knew I was rolling down the hill. Now I am a big girl, so I picked up some speed, I had to stop myself before I got hurt so I put my elbows out and managed to stop. But while I was spinning down the hill, everything just spun away, there was no work. no responsibility, no bills , no paperwork, no stress, there was just pure unencumbered joy.

 I am not sure why nature takes away the inclination to do silly things like that when we grow up. But let me tell you, Craig is right . Everyone should do that! Children know something we as adults do not. They know how to let everything go and just be joyful.  Most of the time we are so busy getting through life we forget simple pleasures like rolling down a hill.

Once I stopped laughing and the world stopped moving ( I was very dizzy) We went back to our normal grown up selves.  For just a few moments though, we had recaptured our childhood selves and just had fun.  In the end only two of us didn't take the plunge down the hill. But that's OK, maybe they will next time.

If you get a chance to roll down a grassy hill, please go for it. I am pretty sure you haven't done that since you were little. It really is  very fun. Everyone should try it!

What is in a name?

Have you ever just wanted to fix what was a small mistake, only to have it go horribly wrong??

First let me say I am so sorry,  If you are trying to view my previous posts and are getting the message that the blog has been taken down let me tell you it is all my fault. The blog is still here, I attempted to "fix" a spelling mistake I made...

I choose the name Making lemonade when life gives you lemons, because life is like that a lot. You do the best you can with what you have. For the blog address I wanted it to mean something to me, so It was SUPPOSED to read lemons AND butterfly's and then followed by the .blogspot address.  It is symbolic, lemons for the challenges and butterflys for the reward...

Instead what I had inadvertently created was lemons nad butterflys... Nad is not even a word, I know this because my spell check is telling me so.

I just noticed this yesterday.. Its classic Angie, I do these things all the time. When I noticed it, I groaned and realized that people probably were not going to be finding me with that error in there.  I also noticed that there is a little edit button right beside the blog address, So I fixed the mistake and clicked save. For 1.2 seconds I was so proud of myself. Then I went to my facebook to click on the post to see if it had changed.

Then I saw it:

WHAT!!!???!!! (insert Homer Simpson like scream here) (also insert several colorful words too nasty for the general public)
For several minuets all I could do was stare at the screen. In my head all I could hear was NONONONONONONONONONO!!!! my blog was gone... or so I thought.

It seems when I corrected the spelling mistake, blogger went to each of my former posts and applied the new address , so they are still there, and if you look over to the right of your screen, you can access them there, But, if you have bookmarked them before today you will not be able to access them. So you will have to bookmark the new address which is lemonsandbutterflys.blogspot.com  This link will take you to my very first post and you can choose from there which posts (or all of them ) you would like to read.

Lesson learned proof read EVERYTHING, and when all else fails use spell check.. hope you are still able to find me, and again sorry for the confusion

Sizzle and Fry

Remember I told you all about the rain and how everyone was fed up and wanted it to stop?
Well mother nature did indeed hear us and turned off the water works, She then promptly turned the sun on high so that we were set at sizzle and fry.

Now instead of rain we are getting temps that are over 35 each day, and when you add the humidity, the temperature soars into the 40's. If you don't have the metric system, that would be in the high 90's and 100's... lets just say its HOT!

All this heat has two consequences for me, The first as I have mentioned before is I work from home. So because of this, I have a home office. My job requires that my office be a quiet place away from the hustle and bustle of normal family life in a room all to its self. It also requires for privacy reasons, we have the door shut when we are working.

 My office is located at the front of our house in what was originally a sun room, key word there..Sun Room.....  My office has six very large windows, they are very old and have the original storm windows screwed right over them. They do not open. I have a fantastic view, but in this heat I don't get to enjoy it. I have large dark curtains over the windows to try and keep out some of the heat. Lets just say its an epic fail, The temperature in my office during this heat wave was 47 degrees at one point.... that's 116 Fahrenheit.
 Now a year ago I had asked my husband to unscrew one of the storm windows and make it so one of my windows opened. He bought the screen but but that's as far as it went, This year I had to take drastic measures.
 First, I just whined a lot, that didn't work. I decided to try guilt (Guilt is a wife's best tool when she has a husband who doesn't respond to whining)

 First I made a post on face book mentioning how hot it was in here and that I felt like a puppy trapped in a car on a hot day (which is absolutely true.. I really did feel that way) Why facebook you ask? Well because my husband's friends would see it and so would mine, they would offer to help the situation and build me a window, which would prompt my husband to keep his promise and build one before any one else stepped in to do his job.
 Evil, I know but I was desperate.
 The second measure I took was to invite my husband to watch a short video with me in my office on my lunch break, as we don't get to spend much time together during my 8 hour shift, I knew he would agree.
 Mission accomplished. With in seconds he was sweating and complaining of how hot it was and saying " I think we should watch this another day hun" my response was  "Imagine what it is like in here all day???"

 Some of John boys friends began giving him tips on how to build a window, which of course embarrassed him into action, And on Sunday he actually built me one!!
Now if only I could guilt mother nature into whipping up some wind, life would be perfect.

The second problem everyone is having with the heat wave is sleep, By the time night time rolls around everyone's entire home is hot and it leads to tossing and turning all night. Unless you are John boy.... He has an internal off switch , every night at 11 o'clock it shuts off and he is out. Not me, I am still awake flipping the pillow over trying desperately to find the cool side and rearranging the fan hoping it will hit me enough to cool me down. If only I wasn't so tired with all these extra hours in my day as a result of not sleeping I could get so much done, but I am too exhausted.

 I know I am not alone,everyone is complaining of being sleep deprived. Two weeks ago we were all grumbling about the rain, now we are praying for a good old fashioned thunderstorm to break up the heat. There really is no pleasing us!

 Here are some pictures of the window build :)



This is one of the cursed storm windows that was screwed over the inside window

John Boy fitting the screen frame over the window

John and Brent Double checking to make sure it will fit

Adding the screen

Feeling a bit Soggy

  If there is one thing people are talking and complaining about around here, it's the weather. The reason is because it's raining. It has been raining for days and days and days..We are all starting to get a bit soggy.

 Yesterday though, is when it became obvious that most people had reached the point where enough was enough. They were sick of the rain. Yesterday was a holiday here in Canada. Its called Canada day. It is the day when we celebrate our country's birthday , birthday 146 in fact.

 In our community here in Riverport it means a lazy day enjoying friends, drinks, and good food , followed up by a fantastic fireworks show put on by the fire dept. Because of the rain, most communities cancelled their fire work display. However in Riverport we very rarely let a little dampness , dampen our plans although it was up in the air for a while. By six o'clock the sun made a feeble attempt to break through the clouds and the rain stopped. That was all the prompting we needed.
By seven o'clock we we already stopping traffic and starting to set up the fire works on our bridge.

 If you are coming to Riverport, there are only three ways in the bridge which connects us to the outside world , or you can come in through Rose Bay from Lunenburg  or you can come through the north side.
By far the most popular way is the bridge. this resulted in a traffic congestion to rival any city but in the end a fabulous show was enjoyed by all.

If you like you can watch the last few minutes of our fireworks here . Mother nature gave us a break, she kept us dry until the fireworks were over, as soon as the last light faded from the sky she was back to the business of making us very wet.. perfect timing.

Of course all of us who were still outside at this point were a wee bit unhappy, we were trying to unclog the madness of traffic that being the only community in 50 miles with a firework show on the go brings. But it was all worked out.

  How ever today it is still raining, I am feeling a bit soggy, it could be worse, ask Alberta, where it has also been raining and flooding. Tomorrow it will be sunny, if it is raining instead we will make the best of it. For today I think I will just curl up with a book and pretend it is sunny.

Light at the end of the tunnel

I wrote this a while ago, when I was trying to work out some of what I was feeling, As I my post yesterday was about Chris and I thought I would share this today hopefully it will help someone

July 20th 2008 3:00 pm

It was a perfect day , we were at the beach, it was foggy so there were not a lot of people, the boys were playing and laughing, I can still hear the sound of their laughter as they swam. I remember thinking, I have the perfect life, A man whom I loved, who loved me, two wonderful children, a job I loved... At 3:00 I called the boys out of the water, and while David and I laughed at the way they were carrying on, I snapped a picture of them running across the beach. My life couldn't be more perfect, Brent and Chris were having such fun. Like oil and water the boys were so different, Brent took the rocky hard road in almost everything he did, and Christopher, he was laid back and easy going and took joy in everything. Together, they were amazing.

August 20 2008 3:00 pm

It was bright and sunny but I remember thinking how is it possible the sun is still shinning? As I walked out of the funeral home following the funeral attendants as they carried Christopher's urn to the hearse. I had just sat through my youngest son's memorial service,  30 days can change everything, Perfect became absolute destruction- my world was now ashes. And from that point it kept spiraling down and down into darkness.

 As a family we had experienced very little tragedy, We of course had people whom we loved pass away and there had been a few heart breaking moments over the years but on a whole, up until we lost Chris, we were extremely lucky. The losses we had suffered, our family for the most part, expected them as the person was ill or elderly and they had lived a full life. An expected loss is still hard and difficult, and will in some cases shake you to the core of your foundation, An unexpected loss , well it can split your foundation... It smashed ours to smithereens.

You know you love your children and your family, what you don't realize is how each member holds you all together, Chris in many ways was our glue. He made us laugh, he was always so excited about everything, without him, things got dark very very fast.

Brent withdrew, he blamed himself and I could not make him understand he was not at fault. How do you reach someone when you are also so angry at yourself for the same reasons? We were all walking around pissed off that we couldn't change what had happened. So we each dealt with it differently, As I said Brent withdrew, He always a child to be confrontational, He now became down right unmanageable, David would not discuss Chris, always a man who loved a drink, he began to drink more and more, until every moment he was not working he spent completely drunk.

And me , well I would love to say I held it together and brought my family back to one piece , but that would be a lie. I am ashamed to admit, I was praying for death. To say I was not handling it well was a gross understatement. And it was getting worse every single day.

We should have been helping each other, but we didn't know how. Therapy was NOT helpful , first off for it to be helpful you need all family members to go, David refused, he would not say Chris' name nor did he want anyone else to say Chris' name , he wanted to forget. I could not , As for Brent he didn't want to talk to me and he and David could not be in the same room together. My therapist was horrible, he seemed to think that having me tell him over and over about the day Chris died was helpful, it was more like having someone punch you in the face right after they poured battery acid on you. so I stopped going.

In April, David and I decided we were no longer able to stay together, we had endless fights about Christopher's things and his pictures. Again he wanted them gone and I refused. David is not a bad person , he just did not know any other way to deal with his pain , Chris' things and pictures of him, hurt him on a level he couldn't deal with so he drank to numb the pain. When that didn't work, He thought if only he couldn't see reminders it would hurt him less. I refused to entertain that, the thought of losing my pictures and Chris's toys and clothes, was  unbearable to me. So we broke up and he moved out.

 Unfortunately Brent and I then turned on one another. The arguments were really really stupid. But they were never ending. By May Brent had moved to his father's.
 Now I was alone.
 I didn't want to talk to anyone. In fact I hated everyone. I felt abandoned, and angry. When you are hurting like that it is really hard to recognize other people are in pain too.

Having at this point discovered that you cannot will yourself to die, I began to think seriously about killing myself. But there is a catch 22 here, the reason I wanted to die was because I missed Chris and I wanted to be where he was, I believe he is in heaven, and I also believe you cannot kill yourself and go to heaven. So now what??? I have heard people say over the years that if someone kills themselves, it makes them a coward, let me be the first to tell you that it 200% bull. You need real bravery to harm yourself in that way , and the truth is I am the largest of wimps. So here  I am.

The best way I can describe depression like this, is as follows, everyone spends 99.9% of their life in a fairly bright place, but everyone must enter the darkness at some point, the darkness can be brought on by anything, a divorce, an addiction, loss of finances, the loss of a loved one, whatever the reason, being in the dark is not a good place, horrible things live there, and everyone is alone in the dark. Luckily most people don't stay in dark places very long, medication or support or self-will can get you out, In the span of a lifetime most people spend only a few blinks of an eye in that dark place ,though it will feel longer, It is when you spend longer than a blink in the dark that you get into trouble. Your own fears become demons and whatever hurts you in the light can kill you in the dark. I was in the dark for a long time. For me medication wasn't very helpful, I tried several kinds, but they all had the same effect, They made me sleep. They made me sleep all the time, I wasn't depressed anymore but I wasn't awake either, Its hard to work and function if you are sleeping, So I had to stop taking them.

 Then one day out of the blue, I got a message on face book it went as follows, Hi my name is Max Hearn, please call me at 902-***-****,I have joyful news for you , and ps. my birth-date is April 7 1990.

April 7 1990 was the birth-date of my oldest child, whom I had named Stephen and had placed for adoption at birth as I felt he deserved more than I could give him. I was only 17 when I he was born and I knew I could not offer him a secure home or life. Interesting how when things were darkest, God choose that moment to have Max do a search for my last name and as luck would have it, my face book profile popped up , he was still not sure it was me until, his Mom, Neva looked at my profile picture, It was of Chris, and she recognized that he looked like Max did at the same age.

At this point Brent and I were able to talk to each other again and spending time together. I didn't hate the world as much though I admit I was still very very very angry. but I wasn't in complete darkness anymore, it was getting lighter.

Then one day my doorbell rang. I was of course asleep .. I stumbled to the door, and on my step was my friends Kirk and John Parsons... they had come to bring me a swing..It seems my friend Denise (Kirk's girlfriend) no longer had a place for her chair swing and I had expressed sometime in the past, I would like to have one..so they were bringing me one.

As they set up this swing for me, Kirk mentioned that he had a whipper sniper he wasn't going to use anymore - he mentioned it because my grass was to his knees, because - well lets just say lawn care is not my thing....Would I like the whipper sniper??? sure why not?? so I shower and go pick up the whipper sniper, well wouldn't you know it?... John is still with Kirk and well as these things go, one of my tail lights decides at that moment that it had lost the will to live and it stopped working. John nobly offers to fix it, which then led to a coffee date...

  Ironic really as I detest coffee... I think it is the foulest liquid on the planet. But I went anyway and had an ice cap instead... and as we are sitting there talking I remembered just how much fun I had with this man in years past, Over the next few weeks John and I had several more coffee dates, And then we decided to date exclusively.

Sometimes when things are not so good, God sends you the people who can make it better... John wanted to hear about Chris and made a point to help me protect my memories, he made an effort with Brent and encouraged Brent to come home when he was ready. Which Brent did very shortly afterwards. Somehow I didn't want to die anymore, I was still in a hell of a lot of pain and I don't think that will ever change, but I am not in the dark anymore. With John's help, I can cry if I want to and I do almost every day, Brent has found he can talk about his brother and although it is still very hard for him we often find ourselves sitting at the kitchen table laughing and telling John about something that the boys did together or something we remember...John also talked us into moving out of the home we had shared with Christopher, something I wouldn't entertain before, But it did help, I hadn't realized how much being in the house where Chris had died was hurting me.

So there is light at the end of the tunnel, Now I can be thankful I had 10 wonderful years with my son. Some parents don't get that much. I still want and wish for many more years, but at least I had 10. Brent and I are still getting to know Max, And it turns out he is a wonderful young man who I am very proud of. I don't know what the future will bring, But at least I know I should be able to get through it.

July 21 2012 3:00 pm

" Ok Mom they are ready for you" Max said as he took my arm and prepared to walk me down the aisle. Today was my wedding day. Today I was to become Mrs. John Parsons. My face hurt from smiling. Everyone I loved was there to witness the event. Max was walking me most of the way down the aisle, Brent would take me the rest of the way . Right at the head of the church, our minister had placed a table it held Christopher's picture, our rings the unity candles and a teddy bear that had some of Chris' ashes inside. As the music began and we made our entrance, I could see John standing there with his brother and his best friends, and I thought, " This is it, I made it I am in the light."

Brent and Chris running out of the water July 20 2008

Christopher Aug 11 2008 6 days before his death

 The table at the front of the church

Our perfect wedding day July 21 2012

Brent and Max dancing together at our wedding having fun and being silly :)